12-29-09
Hmm. Interesting. Hello world. It is me, Melissa. Writing from my universe as I have created it. A great many changes have happened in such a short time- in fact, I am bedazzled by it all. Gives me so much hope for what can happen within this next year- I no longer have to plan an impending move OR resign myself to New Orleans. Yippee. He he.
So here I sit on my magical extended sublet in my pretty homey feeling land of San Francisco fabulousness. My life is truly a representation of what I have intended for myself to live- AND I easily see the fruition of all these glorious things that I have intended on the totally reasonable horizon. Yay. And the more I get in touch with yes, my life is good and yes I do believe I deserve all these magical things to come.
So I would like to praise the things that have already glided into my life like a magical scene from willy wonka. Ok, so improv comedy. Oh my god do I love it! Love it and have LONGED to do it for years. In fact, I spent a great deal of time thinking I would one day grace the stages of SNL (when it was good) or do a second city. I contemplated working an office job to support my dream of doing comedy. That’s what I thought life was. Choose a profession where you settle and work in some type of cubicle and if you have a dream you must sacrifice your 9-5 and make it happen in your spare time. I.e., if you want it enough and if you pray to god hard enough and if you sweat, bleed and nearly die but STILL believe that dream is yours and that it is possible- why golly then you deserve a miracle I would say. Geez. No kidding. I can’t believe I actually thought that like five years ago.
I believed that it was the right thing for me to do to get an office job and that something like me being a famous comedian that made lots of money and got to laugh and make others laugh all day- yeah sounds and feels good to me. So needless to say, didn’t choose Chicago, office job, second city thing- I chose New Orleans. Yep, so glad to be a graduate of the school of life New Orleans. Woo hoo. And also I would like to honor that I have so come to understand that I am in no means starting from scratch here. And I think all the delicious things I have let in SOO SOON from my arrival here is due to my sort of accrued experience and navigating various lessons in new Orleans. So thank you new Orleans for all the wondrous growth you helped me accomplish and I give absolute thanks and praise that I am now able to reap the benefits in somewhere as AWESOME as san Francisco. Because, my glorious life here is totally believable and starting with that vibration- holy macaroni- some good stuff is happening.
Oh yeah, I was telling you all the good stuff. So, I have manifested weekly trips to Oakland to do improv comedy school (or improv conservatory is my fav way to look at it, because it’s funny). And I get to jump around and be silly and laugh and make others laugh every week. And it is totally awesome and it completely time just for me. So that’s awesome.
And so lately this week I have deeply contemplated what other things like that that I have sort of been waiting for whatever reasons/excuses- like someday, particularly when my partner gets here I can start living that rocking life I've always imagined. Or if I moved. Well, I’ve moved. So and yeah! YEAH! San Francisco offers so much, it is so great. Oh, I looked up dance classes and I was like OH MY GOD. Of course, yes Melissa you live in san Francisco of course there are all kinds of really interesting awesome badass classes at all different kinds. And I am sincerely excited about the bhangra and bollywood classes. I dig it. So yeah, comedy, dancing- I have reconnected with a yoga space that is actually sisters with a yoga place in New Orleans. AND my fav kirtan band will be here next month. AND my spiritual teachers Abraham are coming to san Francisco and I'm going to see them AND I get to speak Spanish and I am improving daily AND I get to eat really well in all kinds of ways and the space I am living in is filled with resonant laughter AND the place I am living has a wood burning stove and cozy reading nook AND a living room entertainment center that is nearly as impressive as the amazing amounts of movies (better than a movie store, I tell ya) AND meeting and hearing about spiritual opportunities AND having a tribe that is a nice blend of the spiritual, party whole me AND living near the beach AND having so many amazing and separate and interesting worlds that exist right out my front door (china town, you are in a foreign country, it is awesome) AND getting fabulous opportunities like winning VIP cirque du soleil tickets for me and guest and a $50 voucher for food and drink AND manifesting witch school at a later date when I am better able to receive it AND manifesting kirtans that are all over the city AND understanding how easy it is to renew my passport AND having the impending prospect of having all of my worldly goods in one actual geographic location AND actually having jobs that I love that are relevant to my career path and my life purpose AND actually having a reasonable plan for going back to school WITH the added bonus of affordability for having achieved my California residency AND understanding that I am truly free from money and have a wonderful relationship with money.
AND ACTUALLY that is a great topic to steer my babble into. So I was under this huge misconception that in order to pursue my comedy dream (but also I believe that I hold this belief for artist, starving artist complex/programming) that I would be totally fucked and literally starving (whatever that means because I’ve been on food stamps before and all that poverty jazz because my mom was too overwhelmed to pay the bills and put the money she had into those things- but I realized I am living just fine if not really well on a fucking minimum wage salary. Yes, it is incredibly galling that I am an intelligent person and I actually tried hard and paid attention in school and got good grades and this is where I am right now BUT I am still living well and really affordably. I think I’ve figured out my rhythm of living affordably and I think I cooperate with the universe to allow them to bring me things I need. Sometimes I pay for stuff, sometimes I buy stuff sometimes I earn stuff sometimes stuff is given to me, sometimes I find stuff… and on and on. God’s methods are ingenious- his ways are sure. And I think that’s good for me. Ok friends and family. Love and light to y’all.
Lovemelxxx
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Role Models- Making/breaking moulds
Mom/Mother/Ma
That last part said with a heavy boston Aaa. So it’s a “Maa” and sounds a bit trashy- to me at least. I guess I am judging myself. Eh. So anyway, the topic today for discussion kids is my Mom. This lesson could pour into lots of things and is a bit spicy as they say- lots of kick to it. So I have been thinking about my mother because a) I am in the process of mourning her b) I am in the process of coming to terms with her as a person and her as my mother and how that shaped me 3) I am coming to terms with my own sense in the world and we meaning society tend to compare to our parents. What interesting role models I have then, no wonder I am such an interesting person.
The role model my mother instilled in me- cleaniness is manditoriness and if the recipe says water substitute with cream, preferably heavy whipping cream or some other tarring arteries variety, talk about the grandiose things that you are capable and do NONE of them- particularly from a vantage point of a sofa watching tv and a coffee table with a Budweiser tucked into the corner- easily assessable and yet somehow discreet (and guilty?) ah mom. Not to mention a list of illnesses and misfortunes that would have JOB spinning in his woe is me cronhicles and shaking in his boots for lack of ingenuity. See my mother was clever and before she used her body something fierce she was also quite pretty.
I think I failed her- or was taught that I failed her- through my uninspired career as a dater. A woman’s worth being that of the men she can wrangle to provide for her and be her ‘honey do’. And yet, be so disempowered. So afraid- I don’t care to know the true depths to the self hatred I am sure my mother possessed. She continuously made some pretty bad decisions and dug herself into a pretty dark hole. I see her release from physical reality a totally blessing for her and for me and my sisters and maybe anyone who was touched by her. Sad to say so much growth was through pain.
Perhaps I am remembering it wrong- perhaps there were more moments of pure (or semi) family bliss where we did resemble a real family with love and affection but that was the sham of it. I was told to believe that not everyone is like the brady bunch. Like families, real families have disfunction. Oh ok. But do you think it is normal disfunction to have a mother wake up her children out of the bed on a school night and tell them they are moving away and to pack everything they want- while she is screaming at mark who she forced /manipulated me into calling him dad- I think to further hurt my father- that she was leaving. Oh my mother wanted to run away from her life so bad. She dreamt of new Hampshire and Alaska and other intensely cold climates. But wanted her ashes scattered on a beach. Contrary woman.
Mom. I feel perhaps the hardest thing to come to terms with is that- nope that would have been some huge generalization and that’s just not necessary with this. My mom- a case study as Nicole said. Who knows really? In the excessive emotional damage wraught by my mother’s war on herself and the rest of the family- I am not sure anyone would agree and remember anything the same. Ive encountered it frequently with my older sister Shannon- when I moved to new Orleans her and her life long best friend kara told me one night that I moved out when I was 12. and that I had basically missed being abused in the rest of the household. My sister has also stated, ‘you have no idea what I endured to protect you guys’. Sigh.
None of us have any idea what the others suffered. That’s the point of war, no one ever wins. Everyone is left tending to their wounds and attempting to collect themselves into some semblence of working societally functioning individual. Or at least that seems to be the programming ive experienced. And how we look around and think, what the fuck man- if you knew what I had endured you would never look at me that way- say that to me- think that about me- you would be amazed I am standing in front of you and able to smile. So yes I am a leo and I can exxagerate but if anything- I think I have understated my past because ive spent so much time processing it and I don’t want to harp on it. Because according to the law of attraction that would be completely not helpful as a strategy. Sooo, where is the line I ask you universe between telling a story, coming to peaceful resolution about something as painful and interesting (PAINTING) as my childhood. Wouldn’t that be funny- I keep seeing all these art academy of san fran buses- they go by my work all the time.. and I think right? I wanted a sign and I even said how much of a fan I am of the universe talking to me through bus logos and writing. Ta daQ!
Go back to school. But I am resistant. Eh, figure that out later…. LATER MAN LATER. Wtf. Anyway, so my current super duper coffee life has had me pondering hey what is that about, that cant be an accident. And in my last job in new Orleans as a barrista I came to some very powerful realizations and forgiveness for my mother-
To backtrack- my mother passed away sept 2007 from initially what I thought was coughing (miscommunication with my sister- later april 2009 to find out it was drug overdose)and we as a way of inheritance all received manilla envelopes with unsent letters from my mother. My sister still hasn’t read hers. Ive burned mine.
I read them that night. But that’s a whole other story
I found out when I went up to mass for the not funeral that my mom had actually managed to get a real job- funnily enough inject memory of my mom making fun of the dunkin’ donuts commercials from the 80s growing up… time to make the donuts. Well, the universe has a wicked sense of humor. The steady job my mom did eventually get fired from but held down for a while, was dunkin donuts. When I had thought she had coughed to death I was so struck by the near tragic proportions of her song. To finally have semblence of sobriety after some dark and even street living body selling times- have a steady job- and then die coughing. But she didn’t- she died the most logical way ever. For her at least.
So the coffee shop- I went into work last summer blazed (beyond wits end with my life in general, tried something I usually prohibit- mixing work and smoking) and I was so overcome with guilt and fear and self rejection and then in that moment of a near panic attack I stopped and had the total realization and awareness that if that was how I felt; it was like having a small window into my mother’s reality. And I bet it was sad. So I went from saying I can be compassionate for my mother to truly forgiving her (on whatever levels ) and having compassion.
So do I need to keep working in coffee to have MORE compassion for her or can I move onto something more exciting, which ties into the initial statements of role models. My role models for success have been lackluster at best. My mother was an incredible student and then went on to have a series of marriages, have children and develop a serious health and drug problem- among other things. And my father is from a wealthy and successful family and he was the accidental late in life baby to emotional vacant parents and his true passion- music- he was discouraged and even put off by the practicalities of being a businessman… where in my humble opinion he has punished himself for siding with them pretty much my whole life by working in sales and all music playing related fields and its like sitting across the room with your beloved for 30 years and never doing more than looking at it. Never actually touching it, tasting it. What a shame. Especially if you came here on this earth plane to unite and create with your beloved. And your beloved does not have to be a person- for my dad it is music. Music and skiing. Let the man ski!
But while my dad excelled at overworking and giving himself few vacations and lots of debt- he never really has been successful enough to not have to ‘worry’. Worry about money, worry about his safety, worry about money. That first and third one I think is a big issue. So yeah, I also got my mother who treated me like a paycheck (child support, it pays to marry muiltiple times and have children) and stole birthday money- you know the usual. And property. The amount of times I heard as a small child and young adult. YOU ARE MINE. Really? I thought I kind of belonged to no one- or at least myself right? But my mother asserted I belonged to her because she had fought over me and won- an expensive court battle between my parents.
I truly thought that my parents didn’t have other things they could even say to each other besides’ ‘i’ll see you in court’. It was like most people say hello and goodbye. They would say I’ll see you in court after a brief shouting match when ever my dad came to pick me up or drop me off. Basically my parents loathed each other. Really interesting to come from people who loath each other and treat you like property goods. Part of me feels that the reason my mother never recovered from me moving away wasn’t because I never came back like Shannon did- but because it somehow meant my dad won- their long fucked up battle for me and custody. Hello! I was 16 and you told me I couldn’t go to school anymore. Fucking crazy.
Ugh. Crazy and pretty and brilliant. I know, totally frightening. Don’t worry, she only had four daughters. Who so far have borne three beautiful children. I do take pride in the fact that the offspring of our family- regardless of the family history (eeks) well, we look attractive. And isn’t that what mom taught us? If nothing else, look attractive. Looks are really what matter. Thanks mom.
That last part said with a heavy boston Aaa. So it’s a “Maa” and sounds a bit trashy- to me at least. I guess I am judging myself. Eh. So anyway, the topic today for discussion kids is my Mom. This lesson could pour into lots of things and is a bit spicy as they say- lots of kick to it. So I have been thinking about my mother because a) I am in the process of mourning her b) I am in the process of coming to terms with her as a person and her as my mother and how that shaped me 3) I am coming to terms with my own sense in the world and we meaning society tend to compare to our parents. What interesting role models I have then, no wonder I am such an interesting person.
The role model my mother instilled in me- cleaniness is manditoriness and if the recipe says water substitute with cream, preferably heavy whipping cream or some other tarring arteries variety, talk about the grandiose things that you are capable and do NONE of them- particularly from a vantage point of a sofa watching tv and a coffee table with a Budweiser tucked into the corner- easily assessable and yet somehow discreet (and guilty?) ah mom. Not to mention a list of illnesses and misfortunes that would have JOB spinning in his woe is me cronhicles and shaking in his boots for lack of ingenuity. See my mother was clever and before she used her body something fierce she was also quite pretty.
I think I failed her- or was taught that I failed her- through my uninspired career as a dater. A woman’s worth being that of the men she can wrangle to provide for her and be her ‘honey do’. And yet, be so disempowered. So afraid- I don’t care to know the true depths to the self hatred I am sure my mother possessed. She continuously made some pretty bad decisions and dug herself into a pretty dark hole. I see her release from physical reality a totally blessing for her and for me and my sisters and maybe anyone who was touched by her. Sad to say so much growth was through pain.
Perhaps I am remembering it wrong- perhaps there were more moments of pure (or semi) family bliss where we did resemble a real family with love and affection but that was the sham of it. I was told to believe that not everyone is like the brady bunch. Like families, real families have disfunction. Oh ok. But do you think it is normal disfunction to have a mother wake up her children out of the bed on a school night and tell them they are moving away and to pack everything they want- while she is screaming at mark who she forced /manipulated me into calling him dad- I think to further hurt my father- that she was leaving. Oh my mother wanted to run away from her life so bad. She dreamt of new Hampshire and Alaska and other intensely cold climates. But wanted her ashes scattered on a beach. Contrary woman.
Mom. I feel perhaps the hardest thing to come to terms with is that- nope that would have been some huge generalization and that’s just not necessary with this. My mom- a case study as Nicole said. Who knows really? In the excessive emotional damage wraught by my mother’s war on herself and the rest of the family- I am not sure anyone would agree and remember anything the same. Ive encountered it frequently with my older sister Shannon- when I moved to new Orleans her and her life long best friend kara told me one night that I moved out when I was 12. and that I had basically missed being abused in the rest of the household. My sister has also stated, ‘you have no idea what I endured to protect you guys’. Sigh.
None of us have any idea what the others suffered. That’s the point of war, no one ever wins. Everyone is left tending to their wounds and attempting to collect themselves into some semblence of working societally functioning individual. Or at least that seems to be the programming ive experienced. And how we look around and think, what the fuck man- if you knew what I had endured you would never look at me that way- say that to me- think that about me- you would be amazed I am standing in front of you and able to smile. So yes I am a leo and I can exxagerate but if anything- I think I have understated my past because ive spent so much time processing it and I don’t want to harp on it. Because according to the law of attraction that would be completely not helpful as a strategy. Sooo, where is the line I ask you universe between telling a story, coming to peaceful resolution about something as painful and interesting (PAINTING) as my childhood. Wouldn’t that be funny- I keep seeing all these art academy of san fran buses- they go by my work all the time.. and I think right? I wanted a sign and I even said how much of a fan I am of the universe talking to me through bus logos and writing. Ta daQ!
Go back to school. But I am resistant. Eh, figure that out later…. LATER MAN LATER. Wtf. Anyway, so my current super duper coffee life has had me pondering hey what is that about, that cant be an accident. And in my last job in new Orleans as a barrista I came to some very powerful realizations and forgiveness for my mother-
To backtrack- my mother passed away sept 2007 from initially what I thought was coughing (miscommunication with my sister- later april 2009 to find out it was drug overdose)and we as a way of inheritance all received manilla envelopes with unsent letters from my mother. My sister still hasn’t read hers. Ive burned mine.
I read them that night. But that’s a whole other story
I found out when I went up to mass for the not funeral that my mom had actually managed to get a real job- funnily enough inject memory of my mom making fun of the dunkin’ donuts commercials from the 80s growing up… time to make the donuts. Well, the universe has a wicked sense of humor. The steady job my mom did eventually get fired from but held down for a while, was dunkin donuts. When I had thought she had coughed to death I was so struck by the near tragic proportions of her song. To finally have semblence of sobriety after some dark and even street living body selling times- have a steady job- and then die coughing. But she didn’t- she died the most logical way ever. For her at least.
So the coffee shop- I went into work last summer blazed (beyond wits end with my life in general, tried something I usually prohibit- mixing work and smoking) and I was so overcome with guilt and fear and self rejection and then in that moment of a near panic attack I stopped and had the total realization and awareness that if that was how I felt; it was like having a small window into my mother’s reality. And I bet it was sad. So I went from saying I can be compassionate for my mother to truly forgiving her (on whatever levels ) and having compassion.
So do I need to keep working in coffee to have MORE compassion for her or can I move onto something more exciting, which ties into the initial statements of role models. My role models for success have been lackluster at best. My mother was an incredible student and then went on to have a series of marriages, have children and develop a serious health and drug problem- among other things. And my father is from a wealthy and successful family and he was the accidental late in life baby to emotional vacant parents and his true passion- music- he was discouraged and even put off by the practicalities of being a businessman… where in my humble opinion he has punished himself for siding with them pretty much my whole life by working in sales and all music playing related fields and its like sitting across the room with your beloved for 30 years and never doing more than looking at it. Never actually touching it, tasting it. What a shame. Especially if you came here on this earth plane to unite and create with your beloved. And your beloved does not have to be a person- for my dad it is music. Music and skiing. Let the man ski!
But while my dad excelled at overworking and giving himself few vacations and lots of debt- he never really has been successful enough to not have to ‘worry’. Worry about money, worry about his safety, worry about money. That first and third one I think is a big issue. So yeah, I also got my mother who treated me like a paycheck (child support, it pays to marry muiltiple times and have children) and stole birthday money- you know the usual. And property. The amount of times I heard as a small child and young adult. YOU ARE MINE. Really? I thought I kind of belonged to no one- or at least myself right? But my mother asserted I belonged to her because she had fought over me and won- an expensive court battle between my parents.
I truly thought that my parents didn’t have other things they could even say to each other besides’ ‘i’ll see you in court’. It was like most people say hello and goodbye. They would say I’ll see you in court after a brief shouting match when ever my dad came to pick me up or drop me off. Basically my parents loathed each other. Really interesting to come from people who loath each other and treat you like property goods. Part of me feels that the reason my mother never recovered from me moving away wasn’t because I never came back like Shannon did- but because it somehow meant my dad won- their long fucked up battle for me and custody. Hello! I was 16 and you told me I couldn’t go to school anymore. Fucking crazy.
Ugh. Crazy and pretty and brilliant. I know, totally frightening. Don’t worry, she only had four daughters. Who so far have borne three beautiful children. I do take pride in the fact that the offspring of our family- regardless of the family history (eeks) well, we look attractive. And isn’t that what mom taught us? If nothing else, look attractive. Looks are really what matter. Thanks mom.
Friday, December 4, 2009
My first San Fran Pay DAY PAYD PAYD PAYD
Today was payday.
Oh yeah, after a unexpected three month vacation-indeed a manifestation of a collection of my desires- I have not only begun working but today- received financial compensation to that we call- MONEY.
And the feeling of depositing cash into my bank account felt like breathing in fresh air- like for the first time really feeling the air fill my lungs to capacity- the richness of that breath. To remember how easy it really is- YEAH- even though it was scary and I was REALLY pissed off about the state of things- particularly financial/career- I am now in the flow. I actually enjoyed my job tonight. Realized I am getting paid to read, that’s pretty amazing. I am reading Tom Robbins for the first time and am in constant appreciation for him being able to translate universal truths and laws as I know them into a quirky and meandering journey into those truths- exquisite!!
And until my recent journey to San Francisco, I was quite quiet on the reading and writing circuit. My computer rarely clacked that clack- rarely opened a crack- in fact. And reading? I took on a strictly researching approach with minor exceptions like the last two books of Harry potter and jasper fforde. And suddenly that well had cracked open- and I find myself having a blog. I find myself longing to write- something I wasn’t sure if I would ever feel again. Now, having discovered the delicious secret of using Microsoft word instead of writing into the blog- I now am experiencing the fluidity of my writing and expression. Hmmm.
And so on this pay day I praise- the Universe@ I praise the God/ GODDESS/Air/Fire/Water/Earth/Spirit I am/=
Side note- I have been saying praise Methuselah for like 2 years ok? I am reading this tom Robbins novel and Methuselah is referred to- I thought I made it up. Oh universe, tricky clue- wonder what it means…
And so to be and truly digest the present NOW moment more fully, I am learning in San Francisco that one must go with the flow as they say. Meaning- meaning that I not analyse every single thing that is happening because it sets me in a delay where I am present- processing the events- thinking about the events and then bombarded with another event- OK- It was better explained by my dear friend Lauren (she lives in studio h, see, I told you H is incredible) but yeah this HUGE understanding of my self I came to with the assistance of Lauren- I analyse EVERYTHING. A LOT. Oh geez, boys- yeah that’s because I can thinking about thinking with a side of thinking on top of thoughts of thinking. Yeah.
This could require editing- and that’s the thing- to be my full integrated personality ( the embodiment of my potential) or the expression of my potential- what if New Orleans made me lazy? Like what if I just wanted to be blazed and not edit this and make this more readable and better attuned to the needs of my audience or does that completely serve as a way to stymied my flow because then I start THINKING about what I am writing and then THINKING about THINKING about (you get it). So I am a thinker- yeah and I would like to be more of a doer. In certain areas in particular- let’s say dudes. Bras, men, boys, guys, ummm I know there are lots more and see- lazy- feel bored with coming up with them so will stop- does that make me a bad writer?
Doing men is where I was prior to tangent- more doing men than thinking about men. But in truth, I feel so different than what I portray that I don’t even know how to reconcile the two. Right? I mean, it is outrageous that I am 29 and I am beautiful and lovely and loving and I have never really been in a relationship beyond 6 months and ever had sex with a man. I mean, that’s technically weird. In fact, they made a movie out of it- im pretty sure the theme (though I haven’t seen it so I GUESS my point moot) but it’s moral is that someone to a virgin by the age of 40 must be a social retard. Except, I am not a social retard. In fact, I am capable of having such delicious deep satisfying expansive expressive loving flowing allowing unconditional loving etc friendships frequently. In fact, because I haven’t had romantic stuff in my experience so far- I have really excelled in other areas because I had attention to put to those areas. Friendships because especially important to me because my family sucked and I never had a boyfriend(later girlfriend).
And I have really gotten to know myself and I KNOW how incredibly capable I am on my own- in fact, that was my huge Katrina lesson with Albuquerque- even if everyone deserts me and im totally alone- I have me and I am an awesome resourceful fantastic survivor to have. But its lonely being alone. And so I know I am good and succeeded being alone and in fact, it feels more scary (and thrilling) to actually BE with somebody. Actually have someone get to know me- I am not even sure what that means. I am not even sure what love means. I watched the cutest movie last night- over in H- called Paper Hearts- a mockumentary about a girl that doesn’t believe in love and her interviewing all sorts of people while gasp- she is pursued by a nice guy who she reluctantly falls for and is hilarious about… and I felt so much of myself in her.
I realized I am terrified of actually being really attractive or that that was a life long issue. In fact, also had that epiphany when I first arrived here. We were talking about developing cup sizes for bras and I said oh yeah I developed really early- which is true I was a B cup in 2nd grade and a D in 6th grade while most of my friends had AA or training bras, I didn’t need to wonder what my boobs would look like or wonder how much will show up- I was done. Ta da. And just recently having come to the understanding/awareness of my fear of men and sexual trauma stuff- I realized OF COURSE! I come from a line of very attractive women with chicken legs, big boobs and no waist and I am naturally petite. So in 6th grade when I had already created a cycle to keep me safe from not ACTUALLY having to face/encounter male and sexual advances- having early on made the agreement I am not safe with men, esp men who want to have sex with me- created a pattern where men rejected me.
Over and over- actually until after the storm and then this last spring. Not to mention that sailor in Greece. Ah, I do say though the romantic times I have had are so unique and interesting that I make up in quality for the quantity. But yeah so suddenly I have boobs and I do remember being thin- and I remember one day in classes some of the boys saying do you smell that popcorn and leaning back in their chairs and sort of inviting me to do the same and realizing that they were having me lean back so they could look at my boobs. I think I morphed the experience to be they wanted to gawk because my boobs were grotesque- not because they were teenage boys and I actually had what books they were likely sneaking had- and I noted that in my trip to Disney land in 7th grade- I wore shirts so big they barely show I have boobs and I look like the size of a house- even though my legs are skinny. I look HUGE. And its all because I wore oversized shirts and felt fat- so I appreared fat. God, life is so interesting. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my body NOW. I have made such dynamic progress. It is also part of the reason why I am looking forward to changes in the boy department. Isn’t time I made new decisions and choices and experienced new outcomes? Isn’t it time for me to be relaxed by the delicious and sacred warmth of two bodies coming together in appreciation? Isn’t it time for me to begin that discovery path of sexuality in REAL experiential form.
I mean, there is so much I remember from my past lives about sex. That has been by far the greatest juxtaposition of my realities- I so strongly FEEL that I have had sex and yet, in my conscious memory I have only had sex with a blonde lesbian named Jennifer and I guess if that sex counts then an African man who liked hamburgers (see, I told you they were interesting ones) and a greek sailor named Sotiris. But as far as actual cock in my vagina – nada, nadie, nuca, nada. OH YEAH- except that whole early childhood rape thing.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. What is up with my connections to stressed vaginas- mine carries a cellular memory of violation most unkind and unwelcome- and my mother’s a vendor to get her sweet candy in return- and yet I somehow have to make peace that that same portal was my entrance to this physical life experience. Can I perhaps in a super detached mode think how I like to use my bra to also carry stones etc is like my mother using her vagina to create life and also procure drugs at a discounted or exchange rate? It is one to ponder… I think at least.
And so speaking of stressed- I Understand how important it is to have sex and especially regularly and let me tell you when I was having sex I was good at it and wow- sex and I get along fine- due to the uninhibited nature of my own experience with sex with myself and the fact that when I do let someone in- I mean- seriously, you are touching me- I am turned on…its all over. I heart the point of no return. Anyway- that’s a bit racy content. Sorry folks- but you know I think I am pretty mellow for someone who hasn’t had sensual physical touch for over 3 years and before that pretty much my whole life. I mean were the entire context of my life to be known, I think that this is totally forgivable (see, that’s the problem- ha, I see my being raped and therefore not easy to have sex with and therefore high maintenance which I don’t like so I assume someone who potentially would sleep with me would be annoyed by) I mean, I think part of me believes that no one would want me because I just lived that out with Austin and Lauren (not h- opposite of what H is- - ugh. Yeah Melissa we had a super nice and amazing and magical time together but something is missing (because I had a panic attack) and oh! She was ready to receive him and could fuck him because she had had sex before. But I guess part of me wanted to dude/guy/man to be delighted and not in a creepy underage porn type of way but feel honored- or appreciate my journey- I never counted on being a virgin as a liability.
And it isn’t even just the sex either. It wasn’t until Austin and I were dating that I remember how little jenn and I kissed. We just did it. My repressed sexual everything unable to be contained in anyway- which is what I fear. I have kept such a tight lid on myself and my private parts I do fear that let loose I would be a whore amongst men and women. But is that bad? I bet I would be more relaxed. Maybe not. And it doesn’t even have to be that extreme- besides glorious sexual fulfillment there is also something though more quietly I deeply yearn for- that sense of loving companionship- lovers. I haven’t really played that game much yet and I think I would be so good at it. And it seems like such a fun game to play. Like, oh my goodness what if there was a boy that I thought was dreamy that thought I was dreamy and had never dated any of my friends and vice versa and wanted to practice kissing with me and was comfortable, compassionate and tender about being slow and my limitations and needs (which I am still coming to understand) and to have fun together and to play, often and to make love in all kinds of ways. Fuck- I have so much to learn! I have so much to do!!! And then I have to be mellow about it; the other night I was like fine. Give up on it completely. Totally and utterly.
Because I cant be whatever I think the person I am interested in would want me to be- I think I have exhausted that route and feel like I am finally laying down in the pool of water and saying whatever! Maybe I will never have sex. It seems like a damn shame because I know that my body was made for it- I was the best sex of my ex girlfriends life. And she was a ho. I am a natural and more than that- I feel my connection with spiritual sexuality and working with the chi creating by conscious coming together. I know, that sounds intense but wait! Gets more hilarious when you consider the Olympic trials times to get to kiss me. Uh.
So a man to date me in spite of myself- hmm. Well, as my spiritual teachers say- if you have the power to desire it, this environment has the ability to yield it to you. Amen. That’s all for me folks. Goodnight, amen.
jkalfdjlsakjf
Oh yeah, after a unexpected three month vacation-indeed a manifestation of a collection of my desires- I have not only begun working but today- received financial compensation to that we call- MONEY.
And the feeling of depositing cash into my bank account felt like breathing in fresh air- like for the first time really feeling the air fill my lungs to capacity- the richness of that breath. To remember how easy it really is- YEAH- even though it was scary and I was REALLY pissed off about the state of things- particularly financial/career- I am now in the flow. I actually enjoyed my job tonight. Realized I am getting paid to read, that’s pretty amazing. I am reading Tom Robbins for the first time and am in constant appreciation for him being able to translate universal truths and laws as I know them into a quirky and meandering journey into those truths- exquisite!!
And until my recent journey to San Francisco, I was quite quiet on the reading and writing circuit. My computer rarely clacked that clack- rarely opened a crack- in fact. And reading? I took on a strictly researching approach with minor exceptions like the last two books of Harry potter and jasper fforde. And suddenly that well had cracked open- and I find myself having a blog. I find myself longing to write- something I wasn’t sure if I would ever feel again. Now, having discovered the delicious secret of using Microsoft word instead of writing into the blog- I now am experiencing the fluidity of my writing and expression. Hmmm.
And so on this pay day I praise- the Universe@ I praise the God/ GODDESS/Air/Fire/Water/Earth/Spirit I am/=
Side note- I have been saying praise Methuselah for like 2 years ok? I am reading this tom Robbins novel and Methuselah is referred to- I thought I made it up. Oh universe, tricky clue- wonder what it means…
And so to be and truly digest the present NOW moment more fully, I am learning in San Francisco that one must go with the flow as they say. Meaning- meaning that I not analyse every single thing that is happening because it sets me in a delay where I am present- processing the events- thinking about the events and then bombarded with another event- OK- It was better explained by my dear friend Lauren (she lives in studio h, see, I told you H is incredible) but yeah this HUGE understanding of my self I came to with the assistance of Lauren- I analyse EVERYTHING. A LOT. Oh geez, boys- yeah that’s because I can thinking about thinking with a side of thinking on top of thoughts of thinking. Yeah.
This could require editing- and that’s the thing- to be my full integrated personality ( the embodiment of my potential) or the expression of my potential- what if New Orleans made me lazy? Like what if I just wanted to be blazed and not edit this and make this more readable and better attuned to the needs of my audience or does that completely serve as a way to stymied my flow because then I start THINKING about what I am writing and then THINKING about THINKING about (you get it). So I am a thinker- yeah and I would like to be more of a doer. In certain areas in particular- let’s say dudes. Bras, men, boys, guys, ummm I know there are lots more and see- lazy- feel bored with coming up with them so will stop- does that make me a bad writer?
Doing men is where I was prior to tangent- more doing men than thinking about men. But in truth, I feel so different than what I portray that I don’t even know how to reconcile the two. Right? I mean, it is outrageous that I am 29 and I am beautiful and lovely and loving and I have never really been in a relationship beyond 6 months and ever had sex with a man. I mean, that’s technically weird. In fact, they made a movie out of it- im pretty sure the theme (though I haven’t seen it so I GUESS my point moot) but it’s moral is that someone to a virgin by the age of 40 must be a social retard. Except, I am not a social retard. In fact, I am capable of having such delicious deep satisfying expansive expressive loving flowing allowing unconditional loving etc friendships frequently. In fact, because I haven’t had romantic stuff in my experience so far- I have really excelled in other areas because I had attention to put to those areas. Friendships because especially important to me because my family sucked and I never had a boyfriend(later girlfriend).
And I have really gotten to know myself and I KNOW how incredibly capable I am on my own- in fact, that was my huge Katrina lesson with Albuquerque- even if everyone deserts me and im totally alone- I have me and I am an awesome resourceful fantastic survivor to have. But its lonely being alone. And so I know I am good and succeeded being alone and in fact, it feels more scary (and thrilling) to actually BE with somebody. Actually have someone get to know me- I am not even sure what that means. I am not even sure what love means. I watched the cutest movie last night- over in H- called Paper Hearts- a mockumentary about a girl that doesn’t believe in love and her interviewing all sorts of people while gasp- she is pursued by a nice guy who she reluctantly falls for and is hilarious about… and I felt so much of myself in her.
I realized I am terrified of actually being really attractive or that that was a life long issue. In fact, also had that epiphany when I first arrived here. We were talking about developing cup sizes for bras and I said oh yeah I developed really early- which is true I was a B cup in 2nd grade and a D in 6th grade while most of my friends had AA or training bras, I didn’t need to wonder what my boobs would look like or wonder how much will show up- I was done. Ta da. And just recently having come to the understanding/awareness of my fear of men and sexual trauma stuff- I realized OF COURSE! I come from a line of very attractive women with chicken legs, big boobs and no waist and I am naturally petite. So in 6th grade when I had already created a cycle to keep me safe from not ACTUALLY having to face/encounter male and sexual advances- having early on made the agreement I am not safe with men, esp men who want to have sex with me- created a pattern where men rejected me.
Over and over- actually until after the storm and then this last spring. Not to mention that sailor in Greece. Ah, I do say though the romantic times I have had are so unique and interesting that I make up in quality for the quantity. But yeah so suddenly I have boobs and I do remember being thin- and I remember one day in classes some of the boys saying do you smell that popcorn and leaning back in their chairs and sort of inviting me to do the same and realizing that they were having me lean back so they could look at my boobs. I think I morphed the experience to be they wanted to gawk because my boobs were grotesque- not because they were teenage boys and I actually had what books they were likely sneaking had- and I noted that in my trip to Disney land in 7th grade- I wore shirts so big they barely show I have boobs and I look like the size of a house- even though my legs are skinny. I look HUGE. And its all because I wore oversized shirts and felt fat- so I appreared fat. God, life is so interesting. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my body NOW. I have made such dynamic progress. It is also part of the reason why I am looking forward to changes in the boy department. Isn’t time I made new decisions and choices and experienced new outcomes? Isn’t it time for me to be relaxed by the delicious and sacred warmth of two bodies coming together in appreciation? Isn’t it time for me to begin that discovery path of sexuality in REAL experiential form.
I mean, there is so much I remember from my past lives about sex. That has been by far the greatest juxtaposition of my realities- I so strongly FEEL that I have had sex and yet, in my conscious memory I have only had sex with a blonde lesbian named Jennifer and I guess if that sex counts then an African man who liked hamburgers (see, I told you they were interesting ones) and a greek sailor named Sotiris. But as far as actual cock in my vagina – nada, nadie, nuca, nada. OH YEAH- except that whole early childhood rape thing.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. What is up with my connections to stressed vaginas- mine carries a cellular memory of violation most unkind and unwelcome- and my mother’s a vendor to get her sweet candy in return- and yet I somehow have to make peace that that same portal was my entrance to this physical life experience. Can I perhaps in a super detached mode think how I like to use my bra to also carry stones etc is like my mother using her vagina to create life and also procure drugs at a discounted or exchange rate? It is one to ponder… I think at least.
And so speaking of stressed- I Understand how important it is to have sex and especially regularly and let me tell you when I was having sex I was good at it and wow- sex and I get along fine- due to the uninhibited nature of my own experience with sex with myself and the fact that when I do let someone in- I mean- seriously, you are touching me- I am turned on…its all over. I heart the point of no return. Anyway- that’s a bit racy content. Sorry folks- but you know I think I am pretty mellow for someone who hasn’t had sensual physical touch for over 3 years and before that pretty much my whole life. I mean were the entire context of my life to be known, I think that this is totally forgivable (see, that’s the problem- ha, I see my being raped and therefore not easy to have sex with and therefore high maintenance which I don’t like so I assume someone who potentially would sleep with me would be annoyed by) I mean, I think part of me believes that no one would want me because I just lived that out with Austin and Lauren (not h- opposite of what H is- - ugh. Yeah Melissa we had a super nice and amazing and magical time together but something is missing (because I had a panic attack) and oh! She was ready to receive him and could fuck him because she had had sex before. But I guess part of me wanted to dude/guy/man to be delighted and not in a creepy underage porn type of way but feel honored- or appreciate my journey- I never counted on being a virgin as a liability.
And it isn’t even just the sex either. It wasn’t until Austin and I were dating that I remember how little jenn and I kissed. We just did it. My repressed sexual everything unable to be contained in anyway- which is what I fear. I have kept such a tight lid on myself and my private parts I do fear that let loose I would be a whore amongst men and women. But is that bad? I bet I would be more relaxed. Maybe not. And it doesn’t even have to be that extreme- besides glorious sexual fulfillment there is also something though more quietly I deeply yearn for- that sense of loving companionship- lovers. I haven’t really played that game much yet and I think I would be so good at it. And it seems like such a fun game to play. Like, oh my goodness what if there was a boy that I thought was dreamy that thought I was dreamy and had never dated any of my friends and vice versa and wanted to practice kissing with me and was comfortable, compassionate and tender about being slow and my limitations and needs (which I am still coming to understand) and to have fun together and to play, often and to make love in all kinds of ways. Fuck- I have so much to learn! I have so much to do!!! And then I have to be mellow about it; the other night I was like fine. Give up on it completely. Totally and utterly.
Because I cant be whatever I think the person I am interested in would want me to be- I think I have exhausted that route and feel like I am finally laying down in the pool of water and saying whatever! Maybe I will never have sex. It seems like a damn shame because I know that my body was made for it- I was the best sex of my ex girlfriends life. And she was a ho. I am a natural and more than that- I feel my connection with spiritual sexuality and working with the chi creating by conscious coming together. I know, that sounds intense but wait! Gets more hilarious when you consider the Olympic trials times to get to kiss me. Uh.
So a man to date me in spite of myself- hmm. Well, as my spiritual teachers say- if you have the power to desire it, this environment has the ability to yield it to you. Amen. That’s all for me folks. Goodnight, amen.
jkalfdjlsakjf
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Worth and Appreciation
Ok. So note to self, I write more professionally and more organized in a word document than the blog thing. Turns into a journal entry. Shifting focus now towards the expression! Of my journey of joy. My dear friend Roger has called it the Camino for me.
For anyone tuning into my life that does not have this information, after the storm (Katrina) I adventured/ventured to complete the camino de Santiago de compostela, la via de plata. Silver route which starts in Sevilla. I did not complete the Camino, as the real lesson for me was not to finish but instead change mid stream and face the unknown. Big lesson for me at the time. It took nearly freezing outside to realize that being stubborn and unable to do something OTHER than the pre planned route already agreed upon was not worth- ha worth- dying for. I had to deal with money issues, “but I planned out my money to do the camino, oh my god what could happen if I didn’t do the camino DUN DUN DUN” but I faced it all. FACED the great unknown and Madrid ended up being this amazing cosmic vacation from reality and so proves (shows/suggests) that facing the unknown can yield some awesome results.
And so fast forward from the uncompleted Camino- to my current camino and lessons. This move and in truth it began before the move. It began last spring with some deep grief and experiencing parts of myself I never knew existed and I had happily divorced early on. This personal shift so deep and powerful that I am still working through. Anyway, this momentum that my life really started to gather and my continued frustration with New Orleans has created (through the contrast which can be so hard to live through sometimes) the most glorious incredible life giving renewing healing inspiring delightful magical wholesome fun hilarious playful engaging surprising empowering fantastic experience that has been San Francisco as I know it to be as it and I are becoming together.
I said, let’s discover each other San Francisco. I noticed that I am not hungry for the cultural niceities that show/prove I am really a resident here- but I feel so satisfied by the knowing that this is so awesome and there is so much more to discover. It makes me feel so much more relaxed about what is happening now and relaxed that there is so much more. It sort of frees me from the need for this moment to be awesome and YET that makes this moment pretty awesome. Yes Abraham it really does just get better and better.
But in alignment with my theory on topography of locals affecting its residents (New Orleans=swamp=all your deep dark issues and you are just sitting in them. As my dear friend Annick says it, “sitting in your own sh*t” Yep, that sounds and feels about right.
And so San Francisco has so many delicious amazing topography things to choose from. I certainly have experienced the highs and lows of those glorious hills, in both literal and metaphoric ways. So you may be sitting atop some glorious hill and looking out over the most glorious vista and even catching a glimpse the ocean. It is AWESOME. And then the ocean, but don’t get me started on the ocean- that would have to be a lifetime worth- ha worth- of blog entries.
As I was affirming though, my lows are higher than ever and getting easier and easier. I actually had a guy hire me and say, “see, that was easy right?” and that was such a good message from San Francisco- it only asks that you chill out. I am like, wow my life is totally amazing. I have managed to manifest funds for three months of work free experience WITH a month of travel and huge life experience, an effortless move from a city I lived in for five years and land in an incredible warehouse utopia. YES, there is a god. And I have done enough PYSCH-K balances that clearly I believe I deserve some good. But I have also challenged my self love and worth. Oh worth.
I now praise and declare with joy, I have three jobs and they seamlessly work together so that I don’t even work so hard. I truly do work I enjoy doing, I am loved and love those I work with and for and it’s all really ok. I did some wicked EFT on myself yesterday too. So yeah, I manifested 3 jobs in 2 days. Thanks to friends who held me in that radiance of well being. Amber, Annick, Aimee, oh Roger, Amanda, Amanda, the compound, Kate, and more… Thank you for being my friend and reminding me of my awesomeness when I forget. I really appreciate it.
So yes, I now experience a sense of appreciation for my actual work experience manifested so effortlessly (after lots of miracles for a month of San Francisco immersion). Oh yeah, did I tell you guys I signed up for the “Have a fantastic immersion in San Francisco” clause. I know, I am so glad. San Francisco feels like I graduated from the darkness of New Orleans and that truly my lesson for here is to allow. I will do my best to recount all the blessings/ gifts/ miracles that I have experienced while here for a little over a month.
Magical warehouse apartment filled with plants, huge tea selection that surpasses my wildest expectations, more kitchen supplies and gadgets, tools, space, bikes, dry goods, storage, commercial stove/oven!! All baking things I could have EVER asked for- woah. ICE CREAM ALL THE TIME in new and delicious flavors, food that is available for general consumption (so I can eat healthy things and not have to tear myself up over having to be the one to create it- OHHH THE CONTRAST from living by myself- I am so grateful to be where I am now, thank you thank you thank you thank you!)
Information, fun, laughter, sharing, playing, conversation!!!!!!!!!!! Oh conversation!!!
Seriously, and then the connections to others. I have already met and connected with so many people and as I was thinking about my sublet eventually being up (having had it graciously extended, thank you again) and leaving studio G and even a little bit more sad or at least a different kind of sad Studio H. OH H- I am in love with you! I have never known love like this before!
For anyone tuning into my life that does not have this information, after the storm (Katrina) I adventured/ventured to complete the camino de Santiago de compostela, la via de plata. Silver route which starts in Sevilla. I did not complete the Camino, as the real lesson for me was not to finish but instead change mid stream and face the unknown. Big lesson for me at the time. It took nearly freezing outside to realize that being stubborn and unable to do something OTHER than the pre planned route already agreed upon was not worth- ha worth- dying for. I had to deal with money issues, “but I planned out my money to do the camino, oh my god what could happen if I didn’t do the camino DUN DUN DUN” but I faced it all. FACED the great unknown and Madrid ended up being this amazing cosmic vacation from reality and so proves (shows/suggests) that facing the unknown can yield some awesome results.
And so fast forward from the uncompleted Camino- to my current camino and lessons. This move and in truth it began before the move. It began last spring with some deep grief and experiencing parts of myself I never knew existed and I had happily divorced early on. This personal shift so deep and powerful that I am still working through. Anyway, this momentum that my life really started to gather and my continued frustration with New Orleans has created (through the contrast which can be so hard to live through sometimes) the most glorious incredible life giving renewing healing inspiring delightful magical wholesome fun hilarious playful engaging surprising empowering fantastic experience that has been San Francisco as I know it to be as it and I are becoming together.
I said, let’s discover each other San Francisco. I noticed that I am not hungry for the cultural niceities that show/prove I am really a resident here- but I feel so satisfied by the knowing that this is so awesome and there is so much more to discover. It makes me feel so much more relaxed about what is happening now and relaxed that there is so much more. It sort of frees me from the need for this moment to be awesome and YET that makes this moment pretty awesome. Yes Abraham it really does just get better and better.
But in alignment with my theory on topography of locals affecting its residents (New Orleans=swamp=all your deep dark issues and you are just sitting in them. As my dear friend Annick says it, “sitting in your own sh*t” Yep, that sounds and feels about right.
And so San Francisco has so many delicious amazing topography things to choose from. I certainly have experienced the highs and lows of those glorious hills, in both literal and metaphoric ways. So you may be sitting atop some glorious hill and looking out over the most glorious vista and even catching a glimpse the ocean. It is AWESOME. And then the ocean, but don’t get me started on the ocean- that would have to be a lifetime worth- ha worth- of blog entries.
As I was affirming though, my lows are higher than ever and getting easier and easier. I actually had a guy hire me and say, “see, that was easy right?” and that was such a good message from San Francisco- it only asks that you chill out. I am like, wow my life is totally amazing. I have managed to manifest funds for three months of work free experience WITH a month of travel and huge life experience, an effortless move from a city I lived in for five years and land in an incredible warehouse utopia. YES, there is a god. And I have done enough PYSCH-K balances that clearly I believe I deserve some good. But I have also challenged my self love and worth. Oh worth.
I now praise and declare with joy, I have three jobs and they seamlessly work together so that I don’t even work so hard. I truly do work I enjoy doing, I am loved and love those I work with and for and it’s all really ok. I did some wicked EFT on myself yesterday too. So yeah, I manifested 3 jobs in 2 days. Thanks to friends who held me in that radiance of well being. Amber, Annick, Aimee, oh Roger, Amanda, Amanda, the compound, Kate, and more… Thank you for being my friend and reminding me of my awesomeness when I forget. I really appreciate it.
So yes, I now experience a sense of appreciation for my actual work experience manifested so effortlessly (after lots of miracles for a month of San Francisco immersion). Oh yeah, did I tell you guys I signed up for the “Have a fantastic immersion in San Francisco” clause. I know, I am so glad. San Francisco feels like I graduated from the darkness of New Orleans and that truly my lesson for here is to allow. I will do my best to recount all the blessings/ gifts/ miracles that I have experienced while here for a little over a month.
Magical warehouse apartment filled with plants, huge tea selection that surpasses my wildest expectations, more kitchen supplies and gadgets, tools, space, bikes, dry goods, storage, commercial stove/oven!! All baking things I could have EVER asked for- woah. ICE CREAM ALL THE TIME in new and delicious flavors, food that is available for general consumption (so I can eat healthy things and not have to tear myself up over having to be the one to create it- OHHH THE CONTRAST from living by myself- I am so grateful to be where I am now, thank you thank you thank you thank you!)
Information, fun, laughter, sharing, playing, conversation!!!!!!!!!!! Oh conversation!!!
Seriously, and then the connections to others. I have already met and connected with so many people and as I was thinking about my sublet eventually being up (having had it graciously extended, thank you again) and leaving studio G and even a little bit more sad or at least a different kind of sad Studio H. OH H- I am in love with you! I have never known love like this before!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
please help me angels guides- for REAL.
So I have recently come to understand my sense of worth and how that was tied up in employment and financial sense of security. I knew coming into this adventure that I would testing my beliefs regarding money and was delibrately jumping out of the not satisfying but secure world I had created in New Orleans. I thought as a teacher of this information, that it made sense for me to put these into effect. I believe I attempted to articulate this in my last posting- however, I acknowledge that perhaps it was not the most clear articulation.
So I came to San Francisco at the urging of my guides. In fact, I think I have been a pretty good sport following the bread crumb trail of employment and life experiences that has been laid before me. I found work consistently in New Orleans and have spent a good amount of time pondering what my current lesson is meant to be. Part of me recoils at the idea that my guides and higher self are plotting my 'lessons' from a detached place where they calmly (actually sans emotion) align me with things I need for growth. In fact, this in the past has caused me a great deal of grief due to disagreement with my guides and the lessons I am experiencing.
I have made peace with all the trauma and drama that has been part and parcel in my life. Which ties in incredibly well to my sense of worth and employment which is tied to 'income' and sense of societal wellbeing. I had no idea how much I had bought in to the idea that good citizens have jobs and pay their bills on time etc. And I have done so my entire life- in fact, as a swing back from my mother's non stop bill collecting/avoiding life long quest I usually paid my bills early and in higher quantities than requested. I have slowly swung back to center to realizing it is ok to pay the minumum amount requested, and would even go so far to say that my relationship with money is a decent to fair one. I have successfully paid off huge portions of my student loans, I have used credit cards wisely (mostly for investments for my business and to ease financial stress in lighter times and professional development). And yet, here I stand/sit writing this in a totally brave new world.
I find myself in a new city meeting people and engaging with them and when someone asks, "how was your day?" I find myself internally scrammbling to come up with some sort of accountability. Then part of my recounts all the skills I have, or the education that I bought so much into...more things I have paid to attach to my name. In fact, the last training I partook of the amazing Louise Hay workshop leader training- my major epiphany was that perhaps after all this I don't need more training. I love to learn and if the universe provides with the ample funds- I will indeed go on to learn/train forever. So how was my day, I find myself making a point to make my bed, tidy the room I am subletting, do dishes as a way of generating a feeling of accomplishment.
I can remember those mornings when I was landscaping and I had to get up at 6am and I was hating it and here I lay in the bed in the morning and I wish for a reason to propell me from the covers. Sometimes I am so tempted by the lure of deep depression- just to finally say fine life- you won. I'm tired. I'm not sure why you brought me here to San Francisco to curl up and cry but fine-and then a school teacher voice in my head says 'ok, now positive thoughts create a positive life- so lets not succumb to surrender of depression. LETS GET HAPPY'. maybe i am not the teacher i thought i was. perhaps i do not understand the law of attraction as i previously thought. perhaps perhaps
and i have trained myself to focus on the positive. so when someone asks me how my day is- i will do my best to kid or joke or recount the blessings as i see them and appreciate them. and for right now were you to see me and ask how i am- i would say, well i made my bed, did the dishes, applied for a few more jobs and cried all morning. oh, i wrote some in my blog too. for all beings of light, all guides, all angels, all beings that wish to help elevate the planet- i ask to lovingingly receive your support and guidance at this time. I feel (right now) like giving up and like I got it wrong. please help me. amen.
So I came to San Francisco at the urging of my guides. In fact, I think I have been a pretty good sport following the bread crumb trail of employment and life experiences that has been laid before me. I found work consistently in New Orleans and have spent a good amount of time pondering what my current lesson is meant to be. Part of me recoils at the idea that my guides and higher self are plotting my 'lessons' from a detached place where they calmly (actually sans emotion) align me with things I need for growth. In fact, this in the past has caused me a great deal of grief due to disagreement with my guides and the lessons I am experiencing.
I have made peace with all the trauma and drama that has been part and parcel in my life. Which ties in incredibly well to my sense of worth and employment which is tied to 'income' and sense of societal wellbeing. I had no idea how much I had bought in to the idea that good citizens have jobs and pay their bills on time etc. And I have done so my entire life- in fact, as a swing back from my mother's non stop bill collecting/avoiding life long quest I usually paid my bills early and in higher quantities than requested. I have slowly swung back to center to realizing it is ok to pay the minumum amount requested, and would even go so far to say that my relationship with money is a decent to fair one. I have successfully paid off huge portions of my student loans, I have used credit cards wisely (mostly for investments for my business and to ease financial stress in lighter times and professional development). And yet, here I stand/sit writing this in a totally brave new world.
I find myself in a new city meeting people and engaging with them and when someone asks, "how was your day?" I find myself internally scrammbling to come up with some sort of accountability. Then part of my recounts all the skills I have, or the education that I bought so much into...more things I have paid to attach to my name. In fact, the last training I partook of the amazing Louise Hay workshop leader training- my major epiphany was that perhaps after all this I don't need more training. I love to learn and if the universe provides with the ample funds- I will indeed go on to learn/train forever. So how was my day, I find myself making a point to make my bed, tidy the room I am subletting, do dishes as a way of generating a feeling of accomplishment.
I can remember those mornings when I was landscaping and I had to get up at 6am and I was hating it and here I lay in the bed in the morning and I wish for a reason to propell me from the covers. Sometimes I am so tempted by the lure of deep depression- just to finally say fine life- you won. I'm tired. I'm not sure why you brought me here to San Francisco to curl up and cry but fine-and then a school teacher voice in my head says 'ok, now positive thoughts create a positive life- so lets not succumb to surrender of depression. LETS GET HAPPY'. maybe i am not the teacher i thought i was. perhaps i do not understand the law of attraction as i previously thought. perhaps perhaps
and i have trained myself to focus on the positive. so when someone asks me how my day is- i will do my best to kid or joke or recount the blessings as i see them and appreciate them. and for right now were you to see me and ask how i am- i would say, well i made my bed, did the dishes, applied for a few more jobs and cried all morning. oh, i wrote some in my blog too. for all beings of light, all guides, all angels, all beings that wish to help elevate the planet- i ask to lovingingly receive your support and guidance at this time. I feel (right now) like giving up and like I got it wrong. please help me. amen.
Monday, November 9, 2009
So here it is folks. The law of attraction in action that me myself and i am attempting YES! HEALING! YES! LOVING! YES- ah what were we talking about? I got distracted by all the good feelings. But aha! That's the whole point, my dears. To be so lost in what you are doing and in the thrill ride of the experience itself that you are receiving the totality of all that is you. Woah, that just got wordy.
I would like to express my personal experience with this law of reality that I have so boldly called myself a teacher/master and have for some time (three and a half months or so and backwards)been actively putting these laws to the test. And having a fantastic time! MY goodness, some of the things that the universe has cooked up for me over that time. I got a surprise trip to California, from who? OH, my guides. Yeah, they knew I needed a vacation. And I really did. Whilst engaging in my Post Doctorial at School of Life New Orleans, I had been floundering for some time. But like my dear spiritual teachers say, 'sing the praises of that which is pleasing and focus as little on that which is displeasing' so I really did my best to make the best of it. And no accident - law of attraction- I was used to processing a tremendous amount of stressful and intense energies... of course I felt so home at there for so long. And then, all that work, all the time- Ding ding ding. and im good. So after I continuously rang the bell of my doneness to my guides- the universe coollaberated to give me a glorious unfolding of California. I thought the going to California was my test and part of it certainly felt like it. But i did get on the plane and I know something healed on that flight...just before meeting Faith and Destiny who incidently were moving to San Francisco and sat next to me on the plane into San Francisco.
Clever guides, put my faith to the test immediately. I did not have a guarnteed night's stay at any hostel and was arriving in the afternoon, so not lots of time before the sun sets and it would be relatively desirable to have a place to sleep inside for the night. And I intuitively walked to the ocean and cried. Cried because part my soul was completely neglected not near the ocean- there is an entire part of my being that just sings or screams YES! everytime I am in any proximity to her. but I didn't freak out- I stayed present and walked and then got a phone call just after 5.30pm.
the 415 area code sort of confused me because i had just the moment before imagined my friend in new orleans who had moved from san francisco and so i answered the phone confused and delighted, 'Aaron?!'
A delay, "Um, this is the Blue Viking Hostel. We have a cancellation, but it being so late I bet you already got another room."
I was quiet only because I was jumping up and down in my head. "um, yes, absolutely. yeah, no. i mean, great i would love it." and so began my love affair with san francisco.
ah, sweet place. garden of eden... the land of plenty. providence. yes, i am a fan... anyway, so the whole point of this blog is to illustrate the law of attraction and for all those doubters out there (and inside myself, because you are only that which i am, dun dun dun) to prove it. So i have set out to prove it- and so far, it had totally delivered. And more. I am grateful to appreciate my current living situation. I lived by myself for over two years. I created some type of two year sentence that has come up continuously and finally when I realized that every pyschic/astrology/vedic/intuitive reading about my future slotted all the good stuff i was really really excited about having about two years away... and then one day- i realized, it had SOO been two years. So I look on those two years of living by myself as intense times of personal growth that truly challenged me; I felt like I had figured it all out and it made me question every single conclusion I had made. In short, I moved into an apartment on my own, my best friend had a major brain hemmorage and in coma, I quit my florist career abruptly because I was dying inside being there,my mother after years of being an addict and anyday waiting DOES pass and i am grieving for real, WHILE grieving the potentiality of my friend's recovery or not, WHILE starting my own business in healing WHILE having that friends furniture (because his house was my house, little complicated but sublet that got really extended and extanuating circumstances bananza) totally removed from the house WHILE affirming that the universe provides so no big worries that I suddenly with two days notice would not have a bed AND MANIFESTING a totally FREE bed that I ended up selling to create more money to move to San Francisco... but back to the the two year house of horror... but you are getting the point right? so i am a teacher and i profess that anything is possible and i had been planning trips to europe and south america- i heard about the law of attraction and i mentally booked myself a lot of international trips... and instead i got holy lot of lonleness and grief and pain. and i did great. im not sure if you know that, but i think i did great. and so i guess part of the name of the game in san francisco is to relax and receive. i was at the beach with some girls that live next door (i really love them , they are amazing- truly!) and the fire pit, and burning ceremony (anyone who knows me, right? seriously, waay to deliver universe) and the ocean and the sunset. MAGICAL. MAGICAL. MAGICAL. yeah, it's amazing. so, someone says, "this is incredible, what did we do to deserve this?" and another, "you paid your dues. now you get to live the good life" this place really is the good life, I am living in a space where that is confirmed in every minute of every day. I am so grateful. I am so grateful. I am so grateful.
I would like to express my personal experience with this law of reality that I have so boldly called myself a teacher/master and have for some time (three and a half months or so and backwards)been actively putting these laws to the test. And having a fantastic time! MY goodness, some of the things that the universe has cooked up for me over that time. I got a surprise trip to California, from who? OH, my guides. Yeah, they knew I needed a vacation. And I really did. Whilst engaging in my Post Doctorial at School of Life New Orleans, I had been floundering for some time. But like my dear spiritual teachers say, 'sing the praises of that which is pleasing and focus as little on that which is displeasing' so I really did my best to make the best of it. And no accident - law of attraction- I was used to processing a tremendous amount of stressful and intense energies... of course I felt so home at there for so long. And then, all that work, all the time- Ding ding ding. and im good. So after I continuously rang the bell of my doneness to my guides- the universe coollaberated to give me a glorious unfolding of California. I thought the going to California was my test and part of it certainly felt like it. But i did get on the plane and I know something healed on that flight...just before meeting Faith and Destiny who incidently were moving to San Francisco and sat next to me on the plane into San Francisco.
Clever guides, put my faith to the test immediately. I did not have a guarnteed night's stay at any hostel and was arriving in the afternoon, so not lots of time before the sun sets and it would be relatively desirable to have a place to sleep inside for the night. And I intuitively walked to the ocean and cried. Cried because part my soul was completely neglected not near the ocean- there is an entire part of my being that just sings or screams YES! everytime I am in any proximity to her. but I didn't freak out- I stayed present and walked and then got a phone call just after 5.30pm.
the 415 area code sort of confused me because i had just the moment before imagined my friend in new orleans who had moved from san francisco and so i answered the phone confused and delighted, 'Aaron?!'
A delay, "Um, this is the Blue Viking Hostel. We have a cancellation, but it being so late I bet you already got another room."
I was quiet only because I was jumping up and down in my head. "um, yes, absolutely. yeah, no. i mean, great i would love it." and so began my love affair with san francisco.
ah, sweet place. garden of eden... the land of plenty. providence. yes, i am a fan... anyway, so the whole point of this blog is to illustrate the law of attraction and for all those doubters out there (and inside myself, because you are only that which i am, dun dun dun) to prove it. So i have set out to prove it- and so far, it had totally delivered. And more. I am grateful to appreciate my current living situation. I lived by myself for over two years. I created some type of two year sentence that has come up continuously and finally when I realized that every pyschic/astrology/vedic/intuitive reading about my future slotted all the good stuff i was really really excited about having about two years away... and then one day- i realized, it had SOO been two years. So I look on those two years of living by myself as intense times of personal growth that truly challenged me; I felt like I had figured it all out and it made me question every single conclusion I had made. In short, I moved into an apartment on my own, my best friend had a major brain hemmorage and in coma, I quit my florist career abruptly because I was dying inside being there,my mother after years of being an addict and anyday waiting DOES pass and i am grieving for real, WHILE grieving the potentiality of my friend's recovery or not, WHILE starting my own business in healing WHILE having that friends furniture (because his house was my house, little complicated but sublet that got really extended and extanuating circumstances bananza) totally removed from the house WHILE affirming that the universe provides so no big worries that I suddenly with two days notice would not have a bed AND MANIFESTING a totally FREE bed that I ended up selling to create more money to move to San Francisco... but back to the the two year house of horror... but you are getting the point right? so i am a teacher and i profess that anything is possible and i had been planning trips to europe and south america- i heard about the law of attraction and i mentally booked myself a lot of international trips... and instead i got holy lot of lonleness and grief and pain. and i did great. im not sure if you know that, but i think i did great. and so i guess part of the name of the game in san francisco is to relax and receive. i was at the beach with some girls that live next door (i really love them , they are amazing- truly!) and the fire pit, and burning ceremony (anyone who knows me, right? seriously, waay to deliver universe) and the ocean and the sunset. MAGICAL. MAGICAL. MAGICAL. yeah, it's amazing. so, someone says, "this is incredible, what did we do to deserve this?" and another, "you paid your dues. now you get to live the good life" this place really is the good life, I am living in a space where that is confirmed in every minute of every day. I am so grateful. I am so grateful. I am so grateful.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
boys, boys and boys
Hello world. I am writing about boys tonight. Oh boys, boys boys. So let's just talk a minute about vibrational soup. Vibrational soup is sort of the collection of energies you spend the most time in-at present I am extremely blessed to be spending a good deal of time at this glorious warehouse space. What is especially interesting about this warehouse space is that the side that i currently reside on consists of six ladies- all of them (including the person I am subletting from) are in a serious relationship with a man. Just to state that because I do date women and have told myself repeatedly that women are easier for me to date- yet the evidence to date is that I have dated twice as many men as women (in a literal 2:1) ratio. so anywho- i have for some time suspected that it is possible that i am telling myself stories to just keep myself from dating anyone. ha. clever mind tricks. so yes, as i was saying i am living at a warehouse where everyone is with someone. ut oh. i was a vibrational match to that... and then to make it even more fun! the other side H which shares the entrance has 4 girls and 3 boys... ALL of the girls are currently in the beginning stages (as of ummm the two weeks ago that i got here... no kidding friends)of dating BOYS. survey says- looks like the universe is cooking me up a MAN!
so that's all well and good and i was sort of like oh ha ha... and then i started hanging out over at H and listening to the girls. I am doing my best to perscribe to Louise Hay philosophy of not giving advice unless you believe that your life is what that person is wanting to create- so for those creating love life stuff I offer space and a loving ear. so yeah, all the girls are totally self confessed boy crazy. dun dun dun.
and there are lots of handsome men/boys in this city. i mean, god bless san francisco for cute boys. OMG. un!
I was pondering the interesting separation between me who is heroic (even if just in my own eyes) for the fullness of life experience I have lived and how timid i can be. I do not fear my wellbeing- I know I am capable of anything (backed up by my years of various doing) and yet if i find a boy cute I get so damn shy... and sometimes it is all i can do to muster up the courage to talk to someone and look into their eyes. And what does one (one being me) do when my body is like SEX NOW! YOU, YOU HAVE WAITED TOO LONG... MUST BE SATISFIED NOW NOW NOW!! so that voice and compulsion coupled with uhhh, haha so cute... oh yeah remember to breathe.
i believe most girls would say, welcome to the world girlfriend. and i appreciate that you- like me- wouldst put all of your experience onto what you are reading (its hard not to, its called your prespective, you put it on everything) and then my victim voice that is so eager to tell you my story and WHY i am different and WHY it is harder for me to achieve romantic bliss... but then this blog is called law of attraction in action... now here's the real dun dun dun...
so what i propose is that the universe... god. goddess.. spirit. i am... whatever works for you- is capable and is right now arranging all cooperative components for your, my and everyone elses joy REGARDLESS of their past story REGARDLESS of seeming impossibility. and it is totally available and totally doable. i have recently really taken to heart the idea that the universe is pulling from the web of life- ALL of creation- therefore if the universe is pulling from ALL of creation of the billions and billions of people of course one (bet lots more) are a match to what I am looking for in regards to love, life, sex and play and here's the cool part- not only are THEY a match to what i desire but simultaneously I am a match to what they are looking for and desiring. yep, it's really that cool.
so as i let a story i made up in my head about some boy here in sf get me all emotional and trigger all my buttons i picked up some angelite (its a lovely blue stone that is sort of a telephone to the angels... of which being psychic can be little or no use when you are too disconnected to HEAR or FEEL the help that is being endlessly offered to you) so since i was less than awesome- i picked up the angel telephone to have a chat. instantly i heard archangel michael (a VERY excellent and helpful friend of mine and if you are open to it- could be an excellent and helpful friend of yours too- he's totally a helper :) )so archangel michael says, 'you are freaking out. melissa, relax. you are freaking out. he's not for you. you need to be patient.' and especially to have access to him so clearly at that moment was awesome. it is so amazing to feel so alone and unsupported and then remember or realize that in fact- i am surrounded by help. i am absolutely immersed in love and being given every bit of help and support i need (because i ask for it, thats the hitch with them angels- you gotta ask for it before they can do anything). and whether or not this person- this man- is indeed mine or not is sort of immaterial. what i needed in that moment was to let it go- and to think of myself in the kindest terms possible. and i did. thank you archangel michael. and thank you to my friend annick who was my living angel on the phone- which interestingly enough- talking about vibrational set points and attraction points (dont worry, i will!) i adjusted my attraction point enough to receive the tangible love and support from my friend- after making the angel phone call and relaxing a bit about the whole thing. i love what abraham says and even have sent another angel to tell me- actually prior to my leaving for california the first time- 'you really make too much out of all of this. this is supposed to be fun.' oh non physical beings... i know, we must all seem so damn silly.
ok love and light y'all. may all your romantic unfoldings be blessed- wherever and however they are. amen amen amen.
so that's all well and good and i was sort of like oh ha ha... and then i started hanging out over at H and listening to the girls. I am doing my best to perscribe to Louise Hay philosophy of not giving advice unless you believe that your life is what that person is wanting to create- so for those creating love life stuff I offer space and a loving ear. so yeah, all the girls are totally self confessed boy crazy. dun dun dun.
and there are lots of handsome men/boys in this city. i mean, god bless san francisco for cute boys. OMG. un!
I was pondering the interesting separation between me who is heroic (even if just in my own eyes) for the fullness of life experience I have lived and how timid i can be. I do not fear my wellbeing- I know I am capable of anything (backed up by my years of various doing) and yet if i find a boy cute I get so damn shy... and sometimes it is all i can do to muster up the courage to talk to someone and look into their eyes. And what does one (one being me) do when my body is like SEX NOW! YOU, YOU HAVE WAITED TOO LONG... MUST BE SATISFIED NOW NOW NOW!! so that voice and compulsion coupled with uhhh, haha so cute... oh yeah remember to breathe.
i believe most girls would say, welcome to the world girlfriend. and i appreciate that you- like me- wouldst put all of your experience onto what you are reading (its hard not to, its called your prespective, you put it on everything) and then my victim voice that is so eager to tell you my story and WHY i am different and WHY it is harder for me to achieve romantic bliss... but then this blog is called law of attraction in action... now here's the real dun dun dun...
so what i propose is that the universe... god. goddess.. spirit. i am... whatever works for you- is capable and is right now arranging all cooperative components for your, my and everyone elses joy REGARDLESS of their past story REGARDLESS of seeming impossibility. and it is totally available and totally doable. i have recently really taken to heart the idea that the universe is pulling from the web of life- ALL of creation- therefore if the universe is pulling from ALL of creation of the billions and billions of people of course one (bet lots more) are a match to what I am looking for in regards to love, life, sex and play and here's the cool part- not only are THEY a match to what i desire but simultaneously I am a match to what they are looking for and desiring. yep, it's really that cool.
so as i let a story i made up in my head about some boy here in sf get me all emotional and trigger all my buttons i picked up some angelite (its a lovely blue stone that is sort of a telephone to the angels... of which being psychic can be little or no use when you are too disconnected to HEAR or FEEL the help that is being endlessly offered to you) so since i was less than awesome- i picked up the angel telephone to have a chat. instantly i heard archangel michael (a VERY excellent and helpful friend of mine and if you are open to it- could be an excellent and helpful friend of yours too- he's totally a helper :) )so archangel michael says, 'you are freaking out. melissa, relax. you are freaking out. he's not for you. you need to be patient.' and especially to have access to him so clearly at that moment was awesome. it is so amazing to feel so alone and unsupported and then remember or realize that in fact- i am surrounded by help. i am absolutely immersed in love and being given every bit of help and support i need (because i ask for it, thats the hitch with them angels- you gotta ask for it before they can do anything). and whether or not this person- this man- is indeed mine or not is sort of immaterial. what i needed in that moment was to let it go- and to think of myself in the kindest terms possible. and i did. thank you archangel michael. and thank you to my friend annick who was my living angel on the phone- which interestingly enough- talking about vibrational set points and attraction points (dont worry, i will!) i adjusted my attraction point enough to receive the tangible love and support from my friend- after making the angel phone call and relaxing a bit about the whole thing. i love what abraham says and even have sent another angel to tell me- actually prior to my leaving for california the first time- 'you really make too much out of all of this. this is supposed to be fun.' oh non physical beings... i know, we must all seem so damn silly.
ok love and light y'all. may all your romantic unfoldings be blessed- wherever and however they are. amen amen amen.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Hello World
To all those friends and family who have wondered where my voice has gone (i think i have wondered a bit where my written voice had gone and if it had gone forever...) Maybe this is my compromise of a facebook huh? I have longed for the time where i connected to my friends and family with words- glorious written words. and yet for five years my written words have been still... paused in high exhaustion from a long run.
ha ha!
a run i say. a run to through and boo hoo-school
so much dank bitter weight. so i talked about the weight...
my weight- my weight- you would have thought i was dating it- for sure we had a close and intimate relationship.
now i would say i love my body. it is a physical expression of god therefore perfect.
abraham talks a lot about worth and that is the biggest thing they have to reteach humans (yes they are channeled and therfore not physical nor human) as i am. right now. so yes i am worthy- as i am, i dont need to be more or less ANYTHING but am totally worthy to receive ALL my HEARTS DESIRES now just because i exist. so going on this idea that i am truly perfect- and i can in every moment make new decisions and have new opportunities to grow.
and lately ive been thinking about growth. so what if all the games we were told to play and all the charades we got really good at making-the lessons. right now in this moment, what is there for me because there is something for me. and how much can change so fast right? the world wind! oh what the 'stream' is capable of- all good things come quickly and efficiently. because god is not bound by space time and knows nothing of obstacles.
i love how available things are. effort is on the way out man. all is provided for. we are re experiencing eden. of course everything is provided for. and actually to pull some sense of 'reality' to these ramblings- i am currently living in a BIG BEAUTIFUL warehouse co op in San Francisco. it is pretty amazing!
welcome to the current life experience i am having. i am putting my beliefs in action. i am about two months into my journey with this (which i may or may not back log) and i have come to understand that i will be doing this for as long as it is going to take me to get it- so i have relaxed A LOT regarding how it is coming to frution. enter melissa moving from New Orleans and to California. and not even just california- but san francisco.
I do not think it is an accident that San Francisco is considered one the most fabulous and yet expensive places. what a good game universe. allow me to play out and SUCCEED and show to myself that i can SUCCEED amidst a proclaimed american uptopia but with a price tag.. so thats it. it s a belief around money that either will allow me to live this or not and either way i will succeed by being brave enough to do it. and by my doing this-i am creating the increased potentiality for others to make decisions that ultimately serve them but may seem scary at the time. i feel like a born uplifter and i am def a born helper. more on that later. geez, this is sooo fun.
so yeah, really taking this idea of ABUNDANCE- or PROVIDENCE... being provided for- answered before i even ask... like if my knowings and more importantly what i am PREACHING is possible is that there is a plenty and all needs are easily met then i think it makes sense for me to be living it. i think thats actually what teachers are- i think teachers are beings who are vibrationally secure in a particular trade, skill or process or even energy and able to offer the knowing and experience of that process thereby contributing to your greater success with whatever it is they are teaching.
so i call myself a teacher of self love and the laws of the attraction- i am living my words. yep, its true. and so san francisco, of which i can tell so far- you meaning me have to love myself fully and completely. either i can feel TOTALLY insecure and intimidated (and i have had several humbling experiences so far) and in those moments love myself totally and completely and be more aware that i am fabulous exactly as i am and that i love me and i have journeyed with me this far and i truly know how fabulous and amazing and lovable i am- see its all good growth. but yeah that san francisco is awesome and the people that live here- i mean, i am learning (circumventing a major detour in thought train). but i feel excited about receiving on big scales and not feeling like i have to apologize somehow. this place seems so rife with potentiality. like i could sudden escalate into ultra success and wealth... or if i were to experience a tremendous amount of surplus cash- this would be the place to experience that. there are so many fabulous things to spend money on.
i am delighted with san francisco excelling at hobbies. i have signed up to volunteer three times this coming week- i feel delighted about- i am becoming oriented to work with the elderly in san francisco and i am going to a crystal meditation manifestation gathering- yah! sf... and then i am celebrating halloween in a very different way this year.
although as i was leaving new orleans and looked around at the ladies i had been spending the full moons with- i was like ohhh i dont need to look for magical sisters... i have had them here, all the time- they were right here. (i felt a bit like dorothy when she wakes up at the end of wizard of oz) but had the total awareness of knowing these women before and i dare say it- around a fire or caludron. it is possible that i have spent my whole life denying witchliness and may be headed right for it.
i am celebrating this halloween with the spiral dance. and i am volunteering so i get to meet more people and experience ceremony. it feels really good, i am really happy about it.
and it is no accident that a woman who lives here in san francisco starhawk combines mystical spirituality and permaculture and sustainability- i mean GEEZ thats a good fit huh? if you have seen me with plants (or stones) i mean really. it feels like a million years better than last year my halloween in new orleans.
i knew and had known for quite some time that new orleans was an inappropriate match to my geographical joy and that last halloween was as in the abraham world- CONTRAST. so despite being under 30, i feel so totally in alignment and joyfully prefer to do magical ceremony than dress up and try to have someone like me (or whatever drunk shananagins are supposed unfold). so theres that.
and i am also working on a day of the dead piece because WIERDEST coincidence! one of the people who plan it for the city lives in the room next to mine in this fabulous co op housing that i am currently BLESSED to be living. AND THEN a girl in the warehouse next door also is doing an art installation altar and i got to help make it with other women (hand weaving) on the new moon. i SWEAR! i know right, totally a witch. but i have fought it so hard. and so i shall fall.
so yeah i am doing the witchly halloween and then i am celebrating my experience with grief by doing a day of the dead piece. so i will totally upload a picture when i am done but for now- it is sort of a triangle to represent my friend alan- my mom- and my kitty bella peaches and then a little bits of nola and my grand experience of nola. so that is my story. geez that was easy to write. i heart blogging. i hope that was readable. love and light.
ha ha!
a run i say. a run to through and boo hoo-school
so much dank bitter weight. so i talked about the weight...
my weight- my weight- you would have thought i was dating it- for sure we had a close and intimate relationship.
now i would say i love my body. it is a physical expression of god therefore perfect.
let me tell you. i have been studying these laws of attraction with my dear beloved spirtual teachers abraham-hicks. if you dont know about them, i say let the revolution begin and receive some unconditional love. if you are already there- you get me. in short the law of attraction states that if you focus on something (and abrahams addition is that the way you feel is dictating whether you are on track with the things you want- your emotions tell you by good or bad feelings whether you arebheaded to something you will find pleasing or not. and the neat trick of this law of attraction if you take it seriously- which i do- so now i can put them to the
abraham talks a lot about worth and that is the biggest thing they have to reteach humans (yes they are channeled and therfore not physical nor human) as i am. right now. so yes i am worthy- as i am, i dont need to be more or less ANYTHING but am totally worthy to receive ALL my HEARTS DESIRES now just because i exist. so going on this idea that i am truly perfect- and i can in every moment make new decisions and have new opportunities to grow.
and lately ive been thinking about growth. so what if all the games we were told to play and all the charades we got really good at making-the lessons. right now in this moment, what is there for me because there is something for me. and how much can change so fast right? the world wind! oh what the 'stream' is capable of- all good things come quickly and efficiently. because god is not bound by space time and knows nothing of obstacles.
i love how available things are. effort is on the way out man. all is provided for. we are re experiencing eden. of course everything is provided for. and actually to pull some sense of 'reality' to these ramblings- i am currently living in a BIG BEAUTIFUL warehouse co op in San Francisco. it is pretty amazing!
welcome to the current life experience i am having. i am putting my beliefs in action. i am about two months into my journey with this (which i may or may not back log) and i have come to understand that i will be doing this for as long as it is going to take me to get it- so i have relaxed A LOT regarding how it is coming to frution. enter melissa moving from New Orleans and to California. and not even just california- but san francisco.
I do not think it is an accident that San Francisco is considered one the most fabulous and yet expensive places. what a good game universe. allow me to play out and SUCCEED and show to myself that i can SUCCEED amidst a proclaimed american uptopia but with a price tag.. so thats it. it s a belief around money that either will allow me to live this or not and either way i will succeed by being brave enough to do it. and by my doing this-i am creating the increased potentiality for others to make decisions that ultimately serve them but may seem scary at the time. i feel like a born uplifter and i am def a born helper. more on that later. geez, this is sooo fun.
so yeah, really taking this idea of ABUNDANCE- or PROVIDENCE... being provided for- answered before i even ask... like if my knowings and more importantly what i am PREACHING is possible is that there is a plenty and all needs are easily met then i think it makes sense for me to be living it. i think thats actually what teachers are- i think teachers are beings who are vibrationally secure in a particular trade, skill or process or even energy and able to offer the knowing and experience of that process thereby contributing to your greater success with whatever it is they are teaching.
so i call myself a teacher of self love and the laws of the attraction- i am living my words. yep, its true. and so san francisco, of which i can tell so far- you meaning me have to love myself fully and completely. either i can feel TOTALLY insecure and intimidated (and i have had several humbling experiences so far) and in those moments love myself totally and completely and be more aware that i am fabulous exactly as i am and that i love me and i have journeyed with me this far and i truly know how fabulous and amazing and lovable i am- see its all good growth. but yeah that san francisco is awesome and the people that live here- i mean, i am learning (circumventing a major detour in thought train). but i feel excited about receiving on big scales and not feeling like i have to apologize somehow. this place seems so rife with potentiality. like i could sudden escalate into ultra success and wealth... or if i were to experience a tremendous amount of surplus cash- this would be the place to experience that. there are so many fabulous things to spend money on.
i am delighted with san francisco excelling at hobbies. i have signed up to volunteer three times this coming week- i feel delighted about- i am becoming oriented to work with the elderly in san francisco and i am going to a crystal meditation manifestation gathering- yah! sf... and then i am celebrating halloween in a very different way this year.
although as i was leaving new orleans and looked around at the ladies i had been spending the full moons with- i was like ohhh i dont need to look for magical sisters... i have had them here, all the time- they were right here. (i felt a bit like dorothy when she wakes up at the end of wizard of oz) but had the total awareness of knowing these women before and i dare say it- around a fire or caludron. it is possible that i have spent my whole life denying witchliness and may be headed right for it.
i am celebrating this halloween with the spiral dance. and i am volunteering so i get to meet more people and experience ceremony. it feels really good, i am really happy about it.
and it is no accident that a woman who lives here in san francisco starhawk combines mystical spirituality and permaculture and sustainability- i mean GEEZ thats a good fit huh? if you have seen me with plants (or stones) i mean really. it feels like a million years better than last year my halloween in new orleans.
i knew and had known for quite some time that new orleans was an inappropriate match to my geographical joy and that last halloween was as in the abraham world- CONTRAST. so despite being under 30, i feel so totally in alignment and joyfully prefer to do magical ceremony than dress up and try to have someone like me (or whatever drunk shananagins are supposed unfold). so theres that.
and i am also working on a day of the dead piece because WIERDEST coincidence! one of the people who plan it for the city lives in the room next to mine in this fabulous co op housing that i am currently BLESSED to be living. AND THEN a girl in the warehouse next door also is doing an art installation altar and i got to help make it with other women (hand weaving) on the new moon. i SWEAR! i know right, totally a witch. but i have fought it so hard. and so i shall fall.
so yeah i am doing the witchly halloween and then i am celebrating my experience with grief by doing a day of the dead piece. so i will totally upload a picture when i am done but for now- it is sort of a triangle to represent my friend alan- my mom- and my kitty bella peaches and then a little bits of nola and my grand experience of nola. so that is my story. geez that was easy to write. i heart blogging. i hope that was readable. love and light.
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