please help me angels guides- for REAL.

So I have recently come to understand my sense of worth and how that was tied up in employment and financial sense of security. I knew coming into this adventure that I would testing my beliefs regarding money and was delibrately jumping out of the not satisfying but secure world I had created in New Orleans. I thought as a teacher of this information, that it made sense for me to put these into effect. I believe I attempted to articulate this in my last posting- however, I acknowledge that perhaps it was not the most clear articulation.

So I came to San Francisco at the urging of my guides. In fact, I think I have been a pretty good sport following the bread crumb trail of employment and life experiences that has been laid before me. I found work consistently in New Orleans and have spent a good amount of time pondering what my current lesson is meant to be. Part of me recoils at the idea that my guides and higher self are plotting my 'lessons' from a detached place where they calmly (actually sans emotion) align me with things I need for growth. In fact, this in the past has caused me a great deal of grief due to disagreement with my guides and the lessons I am experiencing.

I have made peace with all the trauma and drama that has been part and parcel in my life. Which ties in incredibly well to my sense of worth and employment which is tied to 'income' and sense of societal wellbeing. I had no idea how much I had bought in to the idea that good citizens have jobs and pay their bills on time etc. And I have done so my entire life- in fact, as a swing back from my mother's non stop bill collecting/avoiding life long quest I usually paid my bills early and in higher quantities than requested. I have slowly swung back to center to realizing it is ok to pay the minumum amount requested, and would even go so far to say that my relationship with money is a decent to fair one. I have successfully paid off huge portions of my student loans, I have used credit cards wisely (mostly for investments for my business and to ease financial stress in lighter times and professional development). And yet, here I stand/sit writing this in a totally brave new world.

I find myself in a new city meeting people and engaging with them and when someone asks, "how was your day?" I find myself internally scrammbling to come up with some sort of accountability. Then part of my recounts all the skills I have, or the education that I bought so much into...more things I have paid to attach to my name. In fact, the last training I partook of the amazing Louise Hay workshop leader training- my major epiphany was that perhaps after all this I don't need more training. I love to learn and if the universe provides with the ample funds- I will indeed go on to learn/train forever. So how was my day, I find myself making a point to make my bed, tidy the room I am subletting, do dishes as a way of generating a feeling of accomplishment.

I can remember those mornings when I was landscaping and I had to get up at 6am and I was hating it and here I lay in the bed in the morning and I wish for a reason to propell me from the covers. Sometimes I am so tempted by the lure of deep depression- just to finally say fine life- you won. I'm tired. I'm not sure why you brought me here to San Francisco to curl up and cry but fine-and then a school teacher voice in my head says 'ok, now positive thoughts create a positive life- so lets not succumb to surrender of depression. LETS GET HAPPY'. maybe i am not the teacher i thought i was. perhaps i do not understand the law of attraction as i previously thought. perhaps perhaps

and i have trained myself to focus on the positive. so when someone asks me how my day is- i will do my best to kid or joke or recount the blessings as i see them and appreciate them. and for right now were you to see me and ask how i am- i would say, well i made my bed, did the dishes, applied for a few more jobs and cried all morning. oh, i wrote some in my blog too. for all beings of light, all guides, all angels, all beings that wish to help elevate the planet- i ask to lovingingly receive your support and guidance at this time. I feel (right now) like giving up and like I got it wrong. please help me. amen.