My first San Fran Pay DAY PAYD PAYD PAYD

Today was payday.

Oh yeah, after a unexpected three month vacation-indeed a manifestation of a collection of my desires- I have not only begun working but today- received financial compensation to that we call- MONEY.

And the feeling of depositing cash into my bank account felt like breathing in fresh air- like for the first time really feeling the air fill my lungs to capacity- the richness of that breath. To remember how easy it really is- YEAH- even though it was scary and I was REALLY pissed off about the state of things- particularly financial/career- I am now in the flow. I actually enjoyed my job tonight. Realized I am getting paid to read, that’s pretty amazing. I am reading Tom Robbins for the first time and am in constant appreciation for him being able to translate universal truths and laws as I know them into a quirky and meandering journey into those truths- exquisite!!

And until my recent journey to San Francisco, I was quite quiet on the reading and writing circuit. My computer rarely clacked that clack- rarely opened a crack- in fact. And reading? I took on a strictly researching approach with minor exceptions like the last two books of Harry potter and jasper fforde. And suddenly that well had cracked open- and I find myself having a blog. I find myself longing to write- something I wasn’t sure if I would ever feel again. Now, having discovered the delicious secret of using Microsoft word instead of writing into the blog- I now am experiencing the fluidity of my writing and expression. Hmmm.

And so on this pay day I praise- the Universe@ I praise the God/ GODDESS/Air/Fire/Water/Earth/Spirit I am/=

Side note- I have been saying praise Methuselah for like 2 years ok? I am reading this tom Robbins novel and Methuselah is referred to- I thought I made it up. Oh universe, tricky clue- wonder what it means…


And so to be and truly digest the present NOW moment more fully, I am learning in San Francisco that one must go with the flow as they say. Meaning- meaning that I not analyse every single thing that is happening because it sets me in a delay where I am present- processing the events- thinking about the events and then bombarded with another event- OK- It was better explained by my dear friend Lauren (she lives in studio h, see, I told you H is incredible) but yeah this HUGE understanding of my self I came to with the assistance of Lauren- I analyse EVERYTHING. A LOT. Oh geez, boys- yeah that’s because I can thinking about thinking with a side of thinking on top of thoughts of thinking. Yeah.

This could require editing- and that’s the thing- to be my full integrated personality ( the embodiment of my potential) or the expression of my potential- what if New Orleans made me lazy? Like what if I just wanted to be blazed and not edit this and make this more readable and better attuned to the needs of my audience or does that completely serve as a way to stymied my flow because then I start THINKING about what I am writing and then THINKING about THINKING about (you get it). So I am a thinker- yeah and I would like to be more of a doer. In certain areas in particular- let’s say dudes. Bras, men, boys, guys, ummm I know there are lots more and see- lazy- feel bored with coming up with them so will stop- does that make me a bad writer?

Doing men is where I was prior to tangent- more doing men than thinking about men. But in truth, I feel so different than what I portray that I don’t even know how to reconcile the two. Right? I mean, it is outrageous that I am 29 and I am beautiful and lovely and loving and I have never really been in a relationship beyond 6 months and ever had sex with a man. I mean, that’s technically weird. In fact, they made a movie out of it- im pretty sure the theme (though I haven’t seen it so I GUESS my point moot) but it’s moral is that someone to a virgin by the age of 40 must be a social retard. Except, I am not a social retard. In fact, I am capable of having such delicious deep satisfying expansive expressive loving flowing allowing unconditional loving etc friendships frequently. In fact, because I haven’t had romantic stuff in my experience so far- I have really excelled in other areas because I had attention to put to those areas. Friendships because especially important to me because my family sucked and I never had a boyfriend(later girlfriend).

And I have really gotten to know myself and I KNOW how incredibly capable I am on my own- in fact, that was my huge Katrina lesson with Albuquerque- even if everyone deserts me and im totally alone- I have me and I am an awesome resourceful fantastic survivor to have. But its lonely being alone. And so I know I am good and succeeded being alone and in fact, it feels more scary (and thrilling) to actually BE with somebody. Actually have someone get to know me- I am not even sure what that means. I am not even sure what love means. I watched the cutest movie last night- over in H- called Paper Hearts- a mockumentary about a girl that doesn’t believe in love and her interviewing all sorts of people while gasp- she is pursued by a nice guy who she reluctantly falls for and is hilarious about… and I felt so much of myself in her.

I realized I am terrified of actually being really attractive or that that was a life long issue. In fact, also had that epiphany when I first arrived here. We were talking about developing cup sizes for bras and I said oh yeah I developed really early- which is true I was a B cup in 2nd grade and a D in 6th grade while most of my friends had AA or training bras, I didn’t need to wonder what my boobs would look like or wonder how much will show up- I was done. Ta da. And just recently having come to the understanding/awareness of my fear of men and sexual trauma stuff- I realized OF COURSE! I come from a line of very attractive women with chicken legs, big boobs and no waist and I am naturally petite. So in 6th grade when I had already created a cycle to keep me safe from not ACTUALLY having to face/encounter male and sexual advances- having early on made the agreement I am not safe with men, esp men who want to have sex with me- created a pattern where men rejected me.

Over and over- actually until after the storm and then this last spring. Not to mention that sailor in Greece. Ah, I do say though the romantic times I have had are so unique and interesting that I make up in quality for the quantity. But yeah so suddenly I have boobs and I do remember being thin- and I remember one day in classes some of the boys saying do you smell that popcorn and leaning back in their chairs and sort of inviting me to do the same and realizing that they were having me lean back so they could look at my boobs. I think I morphed the experience to be they wanted to gawk because my boobs were grotesque- not because they were teenage boys and I actually had what books they were likely sneaking had- and I noted that in my trip to Disney land in 7th grade- I wore shirts so big they barely show I have boobs and I look like the size of a house- even though my legs are skinny. I look HUGE. And its all because I wore oversized shirts and felt fat- so I appreared fat. God, life is so interesting. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my body NOW. I have made such dynamic progress. It is also part of the reason why I am looking forward to changes in the boy department. Isn’t time I made new decisions and choices and experienced new outcomes? Isn’t it time for me to be relaxed by the delicious and sacred warmth of two bodies coming together in appreciation? Isn’t it time for me to begin that discovery path of sexuality in REAL experiential form.

I mean, there is so much I remember from my past lives about sex. That has been by far the greatest juxtaposition of my realities- I so strongly FEEL that I have had sex and yet, in my conscious memory I have only had sex with a blonde lesbian named Jennifer and I guess if that sex counts then an African man who liked hamburgers (see, I told you they were interesting ones) and a greek sailor named Sotiris. But as far as actual cock in my vagina – nada, nadie, nuca, nada. OH YEAH- except that whole early childhood rape thing.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. What is up with my connections to stressed vaginas- mine carries a cellular memory of violation most unkind and unwelcome- and my mother’s a vendor to get her sweet candy in return- and yet I somehow have to make peace that that same portal was my entrance to this physical life experience. Can I perhaps in a super detached mode think how I like to use my bra to also carry stones etc is like my mother using her vagina to create life and also procure drugs at a discounted or exchange rate? It is one to ponder… I think at least.

And so speaking of stressed- I Understand how important it is to have sex and especially regularly and let me tell you when I was having sex I was good at it and wow- sex and I get along fine- due to the uninhibited nature of my own experience with sex with myself and the fact that when I do let someone in- I mean- seriously, you are touching me- I am turned on…its all over. I heart the point of no return. Anyway- that’s a bit racy content. Sorry folks- but you know I think I am pretty mellow for someone who hasn’t had sensual physical touch for over 3 years and before that pretty much my whole life. I mean were the entire context of my life to be known, I think that this is totally forgivable (see, that’s the problem- ha, I see my being raped and therefore not easy to have sex with and therefore high maintenance which I don’t like so I assume someone who potentially would sleep with me would be annoyed by) I mean, I think part of me believes that no one would want me because I just lived that out with Austin and Lauren (not h- opposite of what H is- - ugh. Yeah Melissa we had a super nice and amazing and magical time together but something is missing (because I had a panic attack) and oh! She was ready to receive him and could fuck him because she had had sex before. But I guess part of me wanted to dude/guy/man to be delighted and not in a creepy underage porn type of way but feel honored- or appreciate my journey- I never counted on being a virgin as a liability.

And it isn’t even just the sex either. It wasn’t until Austin and I were dating that I remember how little jenn and I kissed. We just did it. My repressed sexual everything unable to be contained in anyway- which is what I fear. I have kept such a tight lid on myself and my private parts I do fear that let loose I would be a whore amongst men and women. But is that bad? I bet I would be more relaxed. Maybe not. And it doesn’t even have to be that extreme- besides glorious sexual fulfillment there is also something though more quietly I deeply yearn for- that sense of loving companionship- lovers. I haven’t really played that game much yet and I think I would be so good at it. And it seems like such a fun game to play. Like, oh my goodness what if there was a boy that I thought was dreamy that thought I was dreamy and had never dated any of my friends and vice versa and wanted to practice kissing with me and was comfortable, compassionate and tender about being slow and my limitations and needs (which I am still coming to understand) and to have fun together and to play, often and to make love in all kinds of ways. Fuck- I have so much to learn! I have so much to do!!! And then I have to be mellow about it; the other night I was like fine. Give up on it completely. Totally and utterly.

Because I cant be whatever I think the person I am interested in would want me to be- I think I have exhausted that route and feel like I am finally laying down in the pool of water and saying whatever! Maybe I will never have sex. It seems like a damn shame because I know that my body was made for it- I was the best sex of my ex girlfriends life. And she was a ho. I am a natural and more than that- I feel my connection with spiritual sexuality and working with the chi creating by conscious coming together. I know, that sounds intense but wait! Gets more hilarious when you consider the Olympic trials times to get to kiss me. Uh.

So a man to date me in spite of myself- hmm. Well, as my spiritual teachers say- if you have the power to desire it, this environment has the ability to yield it to you. Amen. That’s all for me folks. Goodnight, amen.

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