i can only begin to express the deep gratitude that i have for my personal experience with gay men. it was funny- it took a recent experience with one of my housemate's friend's staying at the warehouse to really get so really empowering realizations and understandings. i love understanding things more. i love consciously receiving. i love releasing judgement from my self. (I would like to honor Marianne Williamson's A return to love for that last part in particular.) i know the true freedom that comes from-got distracted. ha ha. sigh.
release. let go. in this glorious now moment-i am eating the most delicious apple. mmm. ok. so as i was saying- i so deeply honor my relations with gay men. having come to the understanding that men i find attractive make me feel defensive- put me into the flight, fight or freeze mode- and that i have yearned for joyous and healing loving interactions with men. and up to NOW- the experiences that have brought me forth to this moment- i have found a joyous refuge in the embrace of beautiful gay men. the validation, the love, the support- even slow dancing. my magical last evening in new orleans at my dear friend roger's house- there was a party for his roomate and i was one of two women with 12 gay men. oh heaven.
i had been fantasizing about slow dancing with a handsome man and my lover etc. and among the many blessings i received- i got to slow dance with loads of these really lovely handsome SAFE men. what a blessing. i just felt pretty and loved and safe and happy. the joke to be so still and peaceful about a place that churned me up and around and down and on.
and my dear dear friend roger. so incredible in so many ways. the level of awareness we reflect back to each other is of pure awareness. he helps me expand-i feel safe and love- i feel dazzled by the multitudes of kinds of experiences we have together. it is synergy. it i s this fabulous dance of our glorious energies. he is my beloved. he is my happy thought. he is so generous- not to just me- but literally is emmenating on micro medium and macro levels a positive and uplifting impact on the world and fellow brothers and sisters. it's funny because roger has been using that term for a while. he is so psychic and yet as a capricorn delightfully grounded. he is a wonderful compliment to my strengths. i love the feeling of the limitless potential of what we can create and consciously co create together. and i feel happy just at the thought of him. in fact, i am in love with him. i am totally completely head over heels for him. and you know what is great? he loves me too. he is in love with me too. and so the clever universe found a way to overcome my 'ego' created issues with men and intimacy and sex and allow the most handsome loving generous man (of a not too intimidating stature) really see me and be with me and know me. and gasp! he loves me and affirms that indeed as i have been telling myself- I AM so lovable and perfect as i am as an imperfect being. but thats the thing- roger doesn't necessarily say that to me. he craftily always finds a way to speak to me in a way i can really hear him and helps me to be the fuller expression of who i am. which is a pretty good coming together i would say. yeah. oh roger- thankyou.
so my relationship with him is utterly magical and even the adventures we have had together- my god- they are so varied and wonderful. they are inclusions of so many aspects of my SELF. we craft, we meditate, we laugh, we eat, we converse, we reiki, we play, we geek out on spirituality, we paint, we make things, we experiment, we cook, and on and on and even that doesn't come close. as i attempt to express the magic of our continual coming together and mutual appreciation- i see glimmers of both the most spectacular and not. myself at some dark and hard times and him as well as well as the times when we just eased into BE-ing ness. it is easy to BE with roger for me. and i think he is an amazing person who is living his personal legend and i feel honored that he values me so much in his life. i do feel validated- if someone so special and doing such glorious good in this world can see the same light in me that i see in him- yes, then i am as shiny as i thought. and it is ok for me to BE shiny. i am a light. and it is time for lights to shine. oh, we sing. he is currently in his gospel choir, opening transgender and gay men wellness centers, in a play, a happy loving relationship and treats himself and his body with love and respect. yes! i feel extremely honored to be a match to that person. amen.
so.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
thanks dad!!!!! bike riding is cool
1-4-10
OMG.
So I am going to write a play. My dear friend roger had said something like that to me once and I did imagine this whole scene in an overly theatrical manner of jenn and the doorbell. Great story I swear.
And then there interjects my reality with family and facebook. The whole world knows each other. I cant run away from community- I can have diversity. No problem, says the universe but you cant really run away Melissa. And I pause (from my running) with my mouth open and say in a shocked voice, “I am not running’. Hmm, not intentionally anyway. Maybe people scare me. As much as I long for deep connection- it is so scary.
I think I do a pretty good job of not overdramatizing my early childhood and even the exciting events that have kept my life interesting post college graduation onward to this strange culmination and different platform to form my experience- san Francisco. So people, yeah- I have done a pretty good job of duplicating family like relations. Nicole for example. Thank god for Nicole. She didn’t leave.
And I tried so hard to make her go. And she didn’t leave. Thank goodness she is a Taurus J ha ha anyway- whichever and whatever I say she has been my continuity in this weird wacky world I get to walk through. So thank you Nicole for calling me back and telling me indeed I am totally lovable and a beautiful person- and I hope you all know it isn’t those words- I can feel her love me. It is just there- like a well of trust and surrender and strength and renewal. An endless fountain- not like we haven’t had to do occasional repairs. My goodness- we have had some ups and downs. But that’s what I love about her, even when I hated her guts and whatever other extremes of negative emotions whatever issue or whatever- it eventually brought us to another level of trust and appreciation for each other. So interesting, so awesome. I guess I appreciate the fluidity and continuity- like it brings me back to center.
Anyway, so about a few months into my living in san Francisco I have at certain moments longed for support group and the awareness that even though new relationships are GREAT- they don’t have that sense of security that established relationships have- in particular Nicole is a huge one but I had loads of others in new Orleans. I also feel a lot less stuck in my stuff here (I am so much more balanced here- I have awareness of my conflict internally or whatever but I have a peaceable distance from it- AND I am still aware of being in my body- all those good physical activities like riding a bike and walking up hills etc.)
Subject change. I had the idea yesterday to thank my dad for selling my car when I was in England the first time because the 8+ years I have had a bike and public transport as my main mode of transport has been awesome. I am probably so much more a happier person-it is effortless way to keep physically fit. I have to get places, the mere pumping of my legs gets me there. What magic! I swear, its called a bike. Try it. I heart them.
OMG.
So I am going to write a play. My dear friend roger had said something like that to me once and I did imagine this whole scene in an overly theatrical manner of jenn and the doorbell. Great story I swear.
And then there interjects my reality with family and facebook. The whole world knows each other. I cant run away from community- I can have diversity. No problem, says the universe but you cant really run away Melissa. And I pause (from my running) with my mouth open and say in a shocked voice, “I am not running’. Hmm, not intentionally anyway. Maybe people scare me. As much as I long for deep connection- it is so scary.
I think I do a pretty good job of not overdramatizing my early childhood and even the exciting events that have kept my life interesting post college graduation onward to this strange culmination and different platform to form my experience- san Francisco. So people, yeah- I have done a pretty good job of duplicating family like relations. Nicole for example. Thank god for Nicole. She didn’t leave.
And I tried so hard to make her go. And she didn’t leave. Thank goodness she is a Taurus J ha ha anyway- whichever and whatever I say she has been my continuity in this weird wacky world I get to walk through. So thank you Nicole for calling me back and telling me indeed I am totally lovable and a beautiful person- and I hope you all know it isn’t those words- I can feel her love me. It is just there- like a well of trust and surrender and strength and renewal. An endless fountain- not like we haven’t had to do occasional repairs. My goodness- we have had some ups and downs. But that’s what I love about her, even when I hated her guts and whatever other extremes of negative emotions whatever issue or whatever- it eventually brought us to another level of trust and appreciation for each other. So interesting, so awesome. I guess I appreciate the fluidity and continuity- like it brings me back to center.
Anyway, so about a few months into my living in san Francisco I have at certain moments longed for support group and the awareness that even though new relationships are GREAT- they don’t have that sense of security that established relationships have- in particular Nicole is a huge one but I had loads of others in new Orleans. I also feel a lot less stuck in my stuff here (I am so much more balanced here- I have awareness of my conflict internally or whatever but I have a peaceable distance from it- AND I am still aware of being in my body- all those good physical activities like riding a bike and walking up hills etc.)
Subject change. I had the idea yesterday to thank my dad for selling my car when I was in England the first time because the 8+ years I have had a bike and public transport as my main mode of transport has been awesome. I am probably so much more a happier person-it is effortless way to keep physically fit. I have to get places, the mere pumping of my legs gets me there. What magic! I swear, its called a bike. Try it. I heart them.
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