i can only begin to express the deep gratitude that i have for my personal experience with gay men. it was funny- it took a recent experience with one of my housemate's friend's staying at the warehouse to really get so really empowering realizations and understandings. i love understanding things more. i love consciously receiving. i love releasing judgement from my self. (I would like to honor Marianne Williamson's A return to love for that last part in particular.) i know the true freedom that comes from-got distracted. ha ha. sigh.
release. let go. in this glorious now moment-i am eating the most delicious apple. mmm. ok. so as i was saying- i so deeply honor my relations with gay men. having come to the understanding that men i find attractive make me feel defensive- put me into the flight, fight or freeze mode- and that i have yearned for joyous and healing loving interactions with men. and up to NOW- the experiences that have brought me forth to this moment- i have found a joyous refuge in the embrace of beautiful gay men. the validation, the love, the support- even slow dancing. my magical last evening in new orleans at my dear friend roger's house- there was a party for his roomate and i was one of two women with 12 gay men. oh heaven.
i had been fantasizing about slow dancing with a handsome man and my lover etc. and among the many blessings i received- i got to slow dance with loads of these really lovely handsome SAFE men. what a blessing. i just felt pretty and loved and safe and happy. the joke to be so still and peaceful about a place that churned me up and around and down and on.
and my dear dear friend roger. so incredible in so many ways. the level of awareness we reflect back to each other is of pure awareness. he helps me expand-i feel safe and love- i feel dazzled by the multitudes of kinds of experiences we have together. it is synergy. it i s this fabulous dance of our glorious energies. he is my beloved. he is my happy thought. he is so generous- not to just me- but literally is emmenating on micro medium and macro levels a positive and uplifting impact on the world and fellow brothers and sisters. it's funny because roger has been using that term for a while. he is so psychic and yet as a capricorn delightfully grounded. he is a wonderful compliment to my strengths. i love the feeling of the limitless potential of what we can create and consciously co create together. and i feel happy just at the thought of him. in fact, i am in love with him. i am totally completely head over heels for him. and you know what is great? he loves me too. he is in love with me too. and so the clever universe found a way to overcome my 'ego' created issues with men and intimacy and sex and allow the most handsome loving generous man (of a not too intimidating stature) really see me and be with me and know me. and gasp! he loves me and affirms that indeed as i have been telling myself- I AM so lovable and perfect as i am as an imperfect being. but thats the thing- roger doesn't necessarily say that to me. he craftily always finds a way to speak to me in a way i can really hear him and helps me to be the fuller expression of who i am. which is a pretty good coming together i would say. yeah. oh roger- thankyou.
so my relationship with him is utterly magical and even the adventures we have had together- my god- they are so varied and wonderful. they are inclusions of so many aspects of my SELF. we craft, we meditate, we laugh, we eat, we converse, we reiki, we play, we geek out on spirituality, we paint, we make things, we experiment, we cook, and on and on and even that doesn't come close. as i attempt to express the magic of our continual coming together and mutual appreciation- i see glimmers of both the most spectacular and not. myself at some dark and hard times and him as well as well as the times when we just eased into BE-ing ness. it is easy to BE with roger for me. and i think he is an amazing person who is living his personal legend and i feel honored that he values me so much in his life. i do feel validated- if someone so special and doing such glorious good in this world can see the same light in me that i see in him- yes, then i am as shiny as i thought. and it is ok for me to BE shiny. i am a light. and it is time for lights to shine. oh, we sing. he is currently in his gospel choir, opening transgender and gay men wellness centers, in a play, a happy loving relationship and treats himself and his body with love and respect. yes! i feel extremely honored to be a match to that person. amen.
so.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
thanks dad!!!!! bike riding is cool
1-4-10
OMG.
So I am going to write a play. My dear friend roger had said something like that to me once and I did imagine this whole scene in an overly theatrical manner of jenn and the doorbell. Great story I swear.
And then there interjects my reality with family and facebook. The whole world knows each other. I cant run away from community- I can have diversity. No problem, says the universe but you cant really run away Melissa. And I pause (from my running) with my mouth open and say in a shocked voice, “I am not running’. Hmm, not intentionally anyway. Maybe people scare me. As much as I long for deep connection- it is so scary.
I think I do a pretty good job of not overdramatizing my early childhood and even the exciting events that have kept my life interesting post college graduation onward to this strange culmination and different platform to form my experience- san Francisco. So people, yeah- I have done a pretty good job of duplicating family like relations. Nicole for example. Thank god for Nicole. She didn’t leave.
And I tried so hard to make her go. And she didn’t leave. Thank goodness she is a Taurus J ha ha anyway- whichever and whatever I say she has been my continuity in this weird wacky world I get to walk through. So thank you Nicole for calling me back and telling me indeed I am totally lovable and a beautiful person- and I hope you all know it isn’t those words- I can feel her love me. It is just there- like a well of trust and surrender and strength and renewal. An endless fountain- not like we haven’t had to do occasional repairs. My goodness- we have had some ups and downs. But that’s what I love about her, even when I hated her guts and whatever other extremes of negative emotions whatever issue or whatever- it eventually brought us to another level of trust and appreciation for each other. So interesting, so awesome. I guess I appreciate the fluidity and continuity- like it brings me back to center.
Anyway, so about a few months into my living in san Francisco I have at certain moments longed for support group and the awareness that even though new relationships are GREAT- they don’t have that sense of security that established relationships have- in particular Nicole is a huge one but I had loads of others in new Orleans. I also feel a lot less stuck in my stuff here (I am so much more balanced here- I have awareness of my conflict internally or whatever but I have a peaceable distance from it- AND I am still aware of being in my body- all those good physical activities like riding a bike and walking up hills etc.)
Subject change. I had the idea yesterday to thank my dad for selling my car when I was in England the first time because the 8+ years I have had a bike and public transport as my main mode of transport has been awesome. I am probably so much more a happier person-it is effortless way to keep physically fit. I have to get places, the mere pumping of my legs gets me there. What magic! I swear, its called a bike. Try it. I heart them.
OMG.
So I am going to write a play. My dear friend roger had said something like that to me once and I did imagine this whole scene in an overly theatrical manner of jenn and the doorbell. Great story I swear.
And then there interjects my reality with family and facebook. The whole world knows each other. I cant run away from community- I can have diversity. No problem, says the universe but you cant really run away Melissa. And I pause (from my running) with my mouth open and say in a shocked voice, “I am not running’. Hmm, not intentionally anyway. Maybe people scare me. As much as I long for deep connection- it is so scary.
I think I do a pretty good job of not overdramatizing my early childhood and even the exciting events that have kept my life interesting post college graduation onward to this strange culmination and different platform to form my experience- san Francisco. So people, yeah- I have done a pretty good job of duplicating family like relations. Nicole for example. Thank god for Nicole. She didn’t leave.
And I tried so hard to make her go. And she didn’t leave. Thank goodness she is a Taurus J ha ha anyway- whichever and whatever I say she has been my continuity in this weird wacky world I get to walk through. So thank you Nicole for calling me back and telling me indeed I am totally lovable and a beautiful person- and I hope you all know it isn’t those words- I can feel her love me. It is just there- like a well of trust and surrender and strength and renewal. An endless fountain- not like we haven’t had to do occasional repairs. My goodness- we have had some ups and downs. But that’s what I love about her, even when I hated her guts and whatever other extremes of negative emotions whatever issue or whatever- it eventually brought us to another level of trust and appreciation for each other. So interesting, so awesome. I guess I appreciate the fluidity and continuity- like it brings me back to center.
Anyway, so about a few months into my living in san Francisco I have at certain moments longed for support group and the awareness that even though new relationships are GREAT- they don’t have that sense of security that established relationships have- in particular Nicole is a huge one but I had loads of others in new Orleans. I also feel a lot less stuck in my stuff here (I am so much more balanced here- I have awareness of my conflict internally or whatever but I have a peaceable distance from it- AND I am still aware of being in my body- all those good physical activities like riding a bike and walking up hills etc.)
Subject change. I had the idea yesterday to thank my dad for selling my car when I was in England the first time because the 8+ years I have had a bike and public transport as my main mode of transport has been awesome. I am probably so much more a happier person-it is effortless way to keep physically fit. I have to get places, the mere pumping of my legs gets me there. What magic! I swear, its called a bike. Try it. I heart them.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Holiday Freedom. Freed Om.
12-29-09
Hmm. Interesting. Hello world. It is me, Melissa. Writing from my universe as I have created it. A great many changes have happened in such a short time- in fact, I am bedazzled by it all. Gives me so much hope for what can happen within this next year- I no longer have to plan an impending move OR resign myself to New Orleans. Yippee. He he.
So here I sit on my magical extended sublet in my pretty homey feeling land of San Francisco fabulousness. My life is truly a representation of what I have intended for myself to live- AND I easily see the fruition of all these glorious things that I have intended on the totally reasonable horizon. Yay. And the more I get in touch with yes, my life is good and yes I do believe I deserve all these magical things to come.
So I would like to praise the things that have already glided into my life like a magical scene from willy wonka. Ok, so improv comedy. Oh my god do I love it! Love it and have LONGED to do it for years. In fact, I spent a great deal of time thinking I would one day grace the stages of SNL (when it was good) or do a second city. I contemplated working an office job to support my dream of doing comedy. That’s what I thought life was. Choose a profession where you settle and work in some type of cubicle and if you have a dream you must sacrifice your 9-5 and make it happen in your spare time. I.e., if you want it enough and if you pray to god hard enough and if you sweat, bleed and nearly die but STILL believe that dream is yours and that it is possible- why golly then you deserve a miracle I would say. Geez. No kidding. I can’t believe I actually thought that like five years ago.
I believed that it was the right thing for me to do to get an office job and that something like me being a famous comedian that made lots of money and got to laugh and make others laugh all day- yeah sounds and feels good to me. So needless to say, didn’t choose Chicago, office job, second city thing- I chose New Orleans. Yep, so glad to be a graduate of the school of life New Orleans. Woo hoo. And also I would like to honor that I have so come to understand that I am in no means starting from scratch here. And I think all the delicious things I have let in SOO SOON from my arrival here is due to my sort of accrued experience and navigating various lessons in new Orleans. So thank you new Orleans for all the wondrous growth you helped me accomplish and I give absolute thanks and praise that I am now able to reap the benefits in somewhere as AWESOME as san Francisco. Because, my glorious life here is totally believable and starting with that vibration- holy macaroni- some good stuff is happening.
Oh yeah, I was telling you all the good stuff. So, I have manifested weekly trips to Oakland to do improv comedy school (or improv conservatory is my fav way to look at it, because it’s funny). And I get to jump around and be silly and laugh and make others laugh every week. And it is totally awesome and it completely time just for me. So that’s awesome.
And so lately this week I have deeply contemplated what other things like that that I have sort of been waiting for whatever reasons/excuses- like someday, particularly when my partner gets here I can start living that rocking life I've always imagined. Or if I moved. Well, I’ve moved. So and yeah! YEAH! San Francisco offers so much, it is so great. Oh, I looked up dance classes and I was like OH MY GOD. Of course, yes Melissa you live in san Francisco of course there are all kinds of really interesting awesome badass classes at all different kinds. And I am sincerely excited about the bhangra and bollywood classes. I dig it. So yeah, comedy, dancing- I have reconnected with a yoga space that is actually sisters with a yoga place in New Orleans. AND my fav kirtan band will be here next month. AND my spiritual teachers Abraham are coming to san Francisco and I'm going to see them AND I get to speak Spanish and I am improving daily AND I get to eat really well in all kinds of ways and the space I am living in is filled with resonant laughter AND the place I am living has a wood burning stove and cozy reading nook AND a living room entertainment center that is nearly as impressive as the amazing amounts of movies (better than a movie store, I tell ya) AND meeting and hearing about spiritual opportunities AND having a tribe that is a nice blend of the spiritual, party whole me AND living near the beach AND having so many amazing and separate and interesting worlds that exist right out my front door (china town, you are in a foreign country, it is awesome) AND getting fabulous opportunities like winning VIP cirque du soleil tickets for me and guest and a $50 voucher for food and drink AND manifesting witch school at a later date when I am better able to receive it AND manifesting kirtans that are all over the city AND understanding how easy it is to renew my passport AND having the impending prospect of having all of my worldly goods in one actual geographic location AND actually having jobs that I love that are relevant to my career path and my life purpose AND actually having a reasonable plan for going back to school WITH the added bonus of affordability for having achieved my California residency AND understanding that I am truly free from money and have a wonderful relationship with money.
AND ACTUALLY that is a great topic to steer my babble into. So I was under this huge misconception that in order to pursue my comedy dream (but also I believe that I hold this belief for artist, starving artist complex/programming) that I would be totally fucked and literally starving (whatever that means because I’ve been on food stamps before and all that poverty jazz because my mom was too overwhelmed to pay the bills and put the money she had into those things- but I realized I am living just fine if not really well on a fucking minimum wage salary. Yes, it is incredibly galling that I am an intelligent person and I actually tried hard and paid attention in school and got good grades and this is where I am right now BUT I am still living well and really affordably. I think I’ve figured out my rhythm of living affordably and I think I cooperate with the universe to allow them to bring me things I need. Sometimes I pay for stuff, sometimes I buy stuff sometimes I earn stuff sometimes stuff is given to me, sometimes I find stuff… and on and on. God’s methods are ingenious- his ways are sure. And I think that’s good for me. Ok friends and family. Love and light to y’all.
Lovemelxxx
Hmm. Interesting. Hello world. It is me, Melissa. Writing from my universe as I have created it. A great many changes have happened in such a short time- in fact, I am bedazzled by it all. Gives me so much hope for what can happen within this next year- I no longer have to plan an impending move OR resign myself to New Orleans. Yippee. He he.
So here I sit on my magical extended sublet in my pretty homey feeling land of San Francisco fabulousness. My life is truly a representation of what I have intended for myself to live- AND I easily see the fruition of all these glorious things that I have intended on the totally reasonable horizon. Yay. And the more I get in touch with yes, my life is good and yes I do believe I deserve all these magical things to come.
So I would like to praise the things that have already glided into my life like a magical scene from willy wonka. Ok, so improv comedy. Oh my god do I love it! Love it and have LONGED to do it for years. In fact, I spent a great deal of time thinking I would one day grace the stages of SNL (when it was good) or do a second city. I contemplated working an office job to support my dream of doing comedy. That’s what I thought life was. Choose a profession where you settle and work in some type of cubicle and if you have a dream you must sacrifice your 9-5 and make it happen in your spare time. I.e., if you want it enough and if you pray to god hard enough and if you sweat, bleed and nearly die but STILL believe that dream is yours and that it is possible- why golly then you deserve a miracle I would say. Geez. No kidding. I can’t believe I actually thought that like five years ago.
I believed that it was the right thing for me to do to get an office job and that something like me being a famous comedian that made lots of money and got to laugh and make others laugh all day- yeah sounds and feels good to me. So needless to say, didn’t choose Chicago, office job, second city thing- I chose New Orleans. Yep, so glad to be a graduate of the school of life New Orleans. Woo hoo. And also I would like to honor that I have so come to understand that I am in no means starting from scratch here. And I think all the delicious things I have let in SOO SOON from my arrival here is due to my sort of accrued experience and navigating various lessons in new Orleans. So thank you new Orleans for all the wondrous growth you helped me accomplish and I give absolute thanks and praise that I am now able to reap the benefits in somewhere as AWESOME as san Francisco. Because, my glorious life here is totally believable and starting with that vibration- holy macaroni- some good stuff is happening.
Oh yeah, I was telling you all the good stuff. So, I have manifested weekly trips to Oakland to do improv comedy school (or improv conservatory is my fav way to look at it, because it’s funny). And I get to jump around and be silly and laugh and make others laugh every week. And it is totally awesome and it completely time just for me. So that’s awesome.
And so lately this week I have deeply contemplated what other things like that that I have sort of been waiting for whatever reasons/excuses- like someday, particularly when my partner gets here I can start living that rocking life I've always imagined. Or if I moved. Well, I’ve moved. So and yeah! YEAH! San Francisco offers so much, it is so great. Oh, I looked up dance classes and I was like OH MY GOD. Of course, yes Melissa you live in san Francisco of course there are all kinds of really interesting awesome badass classes at all different kinds. And I am sincerely excited about the bhangra and bollywood classes. I dig it. So yeah, comedy, dancing- I have reconnected with a yoga space that is actually sisters with a yoga place in New Orleans. AND my fav kirtan band will be here next month. AND my spiritual teachers Abraham are coming to san Francisco and I'm going to see them AND I get to speak Spanish and I am improving daily AND I get to eat really well in all kinds of ways and the space I am living in is filled with resonant laughter AND the place I am living has a wood burning stove and cozy reading nook AND a living room entertainment center that is nearly as impressive as the amazing amounts of movies (better than a movie store, I tell ya) AND meeting and hearing about spiritual opportunities AND having a tribe that is a nice blend of the spiritual, party whole me AND living near the beach AND having so many amazing and separate and interesting worlds that exist right out my front door (china town, you are in a foreign country, it is awesome) AND getting fabulous opportunities like winning VIP cirque du soleil tickets for me and guest and a $50 voucher for food and drink AND manifesting witch school at a later date when I am better able to receive it AND manifesting kirtans that are all over the city AND understanding how easy it is to renew my passport AND having the impending prospect of having all of my worldly goods in one actual geographic location AND actually having jobs that I love that are relevant to my career path and my life purpose AND actually having a reasonable plan for going back to school WITH the added bonus of affordability for having achieved my California residency AND understanding that I am truly free from money and have a wonderful relationship with money.
AND ACTUALLY that is a great topic to steer my babble into. So I was under this huge misconception that in order to pursue my comedy dream (but also I believe that I hold this belief for artist, starving artist complex/programming) that I would be totally fucked and literally starving (whatever that means because I’ve been on food stamps before and all that poverty jazz because my mom was too overwhelmed to pay the bills and put the money she had into those things- but I realized I am living just fine if not really well on a fucking minimum wage salary. Yes, it is incredibly galling that I am an intelligent person and I actually tried hard and paid attention in school and got good grades and this is where I am right now BUT I am still living well and really affordably. I think I’ve figured out my rhythm of living affordably and I think I cooperate with the universe to allow them to bring me things I need. Sometimes I pay for stuff, sometimes I buy stuff sometimes I earn stuff sometimes stuff is given to me, sometimes I find stuff… and on and on. God’s methods are ingenious- his ways are sure. And I think that’s good for me. Ok friends and family. Love and light to y’all.
Lovemelxxx
Friday, December 11, 2009
Role Models- Making/breaking moulds
Mom/Mother/Ma
That last part said with a heavy boston Aaa. So it’s a “Maa” and sounds a bit trashy- to me at least. I guess I am judging myself. Eh. So anyway, the topic today for discussion kids is my Mom. This lesson could pour into lots of things and is a bit spicy as they say- lots of kick to it. So I have been thinking about my mother because a) I am in the process of mourning her b) I am in the process of coming to terms with her as a person and her as my mother and how that shaped me 3) I am coming to terms with my own sense in the world and we meaning society tend to compare to our parents. What interesting role models I have then, no wonder I am such an interesting person.
The role model my mother instilled in me- cleaniness is manditoriness and if the recipe says water substitute with cream, preferably heavy whipping cream or some other tarring arteries variety, talk about the grandiose things that you are capable and do NONE of them- particularly from a vantage point of a sofa watching tv and a coffee table with a Budweiser tucked into the corner- easily assessable and yet somehow discreet (and guilty?) ah mom. Not to mention a list of illnesses and misfortunes that would have JOB spinning in his woe is me cronhicles and shaking in his boots for lack of ingenuity. See my mother was clever and before she used her body something fierce she was also quite pretty.
I think I failed her- or was taught that I failed her- through my uninspired career as a dater. A woman’s worth being that of the men she can wrangle to provide for her and be her ‘honey do’. And yet, be so disempowered. So afraid- I don’t care to know the true depths to the self hatred I am sure my mother possessed. She continuously made some pretty bad decisions and dug herself into a pretty dark hole. I see her release from physical reality a totally blessing for her and for me and my sisters and maybe anyone who was touched by her. Sad to say so much growth was through pain.
Perhaps I am remembering it wrong- perhaps there were more moments of pure (or semi) family bliss where we did resemble a real family with love and affection but that was the sham of it. I was told to believe that not everyone is like the brady bunch. Like families, real families have disfunction. Oh ok. But do you think it is normal disfunction to have a mother wake up her children out of the bed on a school night and tell them they are moving away and to pack everything they want- while she is screaming at mark who she forced /manipulated me into calling him dad- I think to further hurt my father- that she was leaving. Oh my mother wanted to run away from her life so bad. She dreamt of new Hampshire and Alaska and other intensely cold climates. But wanted her ashes scattered on a beach. Contrary woman.
Mom. I feel perhaps the hardest thing to come to terms with is that- nope that would have been some huge generalization and that’s just not necessary with this. My mom- a case study as Nicole said. Who knows really? In the excessive emotional damage wraught by my mother’s war on herself and the rest of the family- I am not sure anyone would agree and remember anything the same. Ive encountered it frequently with my older sister Shannon- when I moved to new Orleans her and her life long best friend kara told me one night that I moved out when I was 12. and that I had basically missed being abused in the rest of the household. My sister has also stated, ‘you have no idea what I endured to protect you guys’. Sigh.
None of us have any idea what the others suffered. That’s the point of war, no one ever wins. Everyone is left tending to their wounds and attempting to collect themselves into some semblence of working societally functioning individual. Or at least that seems to be the programming ive experienced. And how we look around and think, what the fuck man- if you knew what I had endured you would never look at me that way- say that to me- think that about me- you would be amazed I am standing in front of you and able to smile. So yes I am a leo and I can exxagerate but if anything- I think I have understated my past because ive spent so much time processing it and I don’t want to harp on it. Because according to the law of attraction that would be completely not helpful as a strategy. Sooo, where is the line I ask you universe between telling a story, coming to peaceful resolution about something as painful and interesting (PAINTING) as my childhood. Wouldn’t that be funny- I keep seeing all these art academy of san fran buses- they go by my work all the time.. and I think right? I wanted a sign and I even said how much of a fan I am of the universe talking to me through bus logos and writing. Ta daQ!
Go back to school. But I am resistant. Eh, figure that out later…. LATER MAN LATER. Wtf. Anyway, so my current super duper coffee life has had me pondering hey what is that about, that cant be an accident. And in my last job in new Orleans as a barrista I came to some very powerful realizations and forgiveness for my mother-
To backtrack- my mother passed away sept 2007 from initially what I thought was coughing (miscommunication with my sister- later april 2009 to find out it was drug overdose)and we as a way of inheritance all received manilla envelopes with unsent letters from my mother. My sister still hasn’t read hers. Ive burned mine.
I read them that night. But that’s a whole other story
I found out when I went up to mass for the not funeral that my mom had actually managed to get a real job- funnily enough inject memory of my mom making fun of the dunkin’ donuts commercials from the 80s growing up… time to make the donuts. Well, the universe has a wicked sense of humor. The steady job my mom did eventually get fired from but held down for a while, was dunkin donuts. When I had thought she had coughed to death I was so struck by the near tragic proportions of her song. To finally have semblence of sobriety after some dark and even street living body selling times- have a steady job- and then die coughing. But she didn’t- she died the most logical way ever. For her at least.
So the coffee shop- I went into work last summer blazed (beyond wits end with my life in general, tried something I usually prohibit- mixing work and smoking) and I was so overcome with guilt and fear and self rejection and then in that moment of a near panic attack I stopped and had the total realization and awareness that if that was how I felt; it was like having a small window into my mother’s reality. And I bet it was sad. So I went from saying I can be compassionate for my mother to truly forgiving her (on whatever levels ) and having compassion.
So do I need to keep working in coffee to have MORE compassion for her or can I move onto something more exciting, which ties into the initial statements of role models. My role models for success have been lackluster at best. My mother was an incredible student and then went on to have a series of marriages, have children and develop a serious health and drug problem- among other things. And my father is from a wealthy and successful family and he was the accidental late in life baby to emotional vacant parents and his true passion- music- he was discouraged and even put off by the practicalities of being a businessman… where in my humble opinion he has punished himself for siding with them pretty much my whole life by working in sales and all music playing related fields and its like sitting across the room with your beloved for 30 years and never doing more than looking at it. Never actually touching it, tasting it. What a shame. Especially if you came here on this earth plane to unite and create with your beloved. And your beloved does not have to be a person- for my dad it is music. Music and skiing. Let the man ski!
But while my dad excelled at overworking and giving himself few vacations and lots of debt- he never really has been successful enough to not have to ‘worry’. Worry about money, worry about his safety, worry about money. That first and third one I think is a big issue. So yeah, I also got my mother who treated me like a paycheck (child support, it pays to marry muiltiple times and have children) and stole birthday money- you know the usual. And property. The amount of times I heard as a small child and young adult. YOU ARE MINE. Really? I thought I kind of belonged to no one- or at least myself right? But my mother asserted I belonged to her because she had fought over me and won- an expensive court battle between my parents.
I truly thought that my parents didn’t have other things they could even say to each other besides’ ‘i’ll see you in court’. It was like most people say hello and goodbye. They would say I’ll see you in court after a brief shouting match when ever my dad came to pick me up or drop me off. Basically my parents loathed each other. Really interesting to come from people who loath each other and treat you like property goods. Part of me feels that the reason my mother never recovered from me moving away wasn’t because I never came back like Shannon did- but because it somehow meant my dad won- their long fucked up battle for me and custody. Hello! I was 16 and you told me I couldn’t go to school anymore. Fucking crazy.
Ugh. Crazy and pretty and brilliant. I know, totally frightening. Don’t worry, she only had four daughters. Who so far have borne three beautiful children. I do take pride in the fact that the offspring of our family- regardless of the family history (eeks) well, we look attractive. And isn’t that what mom taught us? If nothing else, look attractive. Looks are really what matter. Thanks mom.
That last part said with a heavy boston Aaa. So it’s a “Maa” and sounds a bit trashy- to me at least. I guess I am judging myself. Eh. So anyway, the topic today for discussion kids is my Mom. This lesson could pour into lots of things and is a bit spicy as they say- lots of kick to it. So I have been thinking about my mother because a) I am in the process of mourning her b) I am in the process of coming to terms with her as a person and her as my mother and how that shaped me 3) I am coming to terms with my own sense in the world and we meaning society tend to compare to our parents. What interesting role models I have then, no wonder I am such an interesting person.
The role model my mother instilled in me- cleaniness is manditoriness and if the recipe says water substitute with cream, preferably heavy whipping cream or some other tarring arteries variety, talk about the grandiose things that you are capable and do NONE of them- particularly from a vantage point of a sofa watching tv and a coffee table with a Budweiser tucked into the corner- easily assessable and yet somehow discreet (and guilty?) ah mom. Not to mention a list of illnesses and misfortunes that would have JOB spinning in his woe is me cronhicles and shaking in his boots for lack of ingenuity. See my mother was clever and before she used her body something fierce she was also quite pretty.
I think I failed her- or was taught that I failed her- through my uninspired career as a dater. A woman’s worth being that of the men she can wrangle to provide for her and be her ‘honey do’. And yet, be so disempowered. So afraid- I don’t care to know the true depths to the self hatred I am sure my mother possessed. She continuously made some pretty bad decisions and dug herself into a pretty dark hole. I see her release from physical reality a totally blessing for her and for me and my sisters and maybe anyone who was touched by her. Sad to say so much growth was through pain.
Perhaps I am remembering it wrong- perhaps there were more moments of pure (or semi) family bliss where we did resemble a real family with love and affection but that was the sham of it. I was told to believe that not everyone is like the brady bunch. Like families, real families have disfunction. Oh ok. But do you think it is normal disfunction to have a mother wake up her children out of the bed on a school night and tell them they are moving away and to pack everything they want- while she is screaming at mark who she forced /manipulated me into calling him dad- I think to further hurt my father- that she was leaving. Oh my mother wanted to run away from her life so bad. She dreamt of new Hampshire and Alaska and other intensely cold climates. But wanted her ashes scattered on a beach. Contrary woman.
Mom. I feel perhaps the hardest thing to come to terms with is that- nope that would have been some huge generalization and that’s just not necessary with this. My mom- a case study as Nicole said. Who knows really? In the excessive emotional damage wraught by my mother’s war on herself and the rest of the family- I am not sure anyone would agree and remember anything the same. Ive encountered it frequently with my older sister Shannon- when I moved to new Orleans her and her life long best friend kara told me one night that I moved out when I was 12. and that I had basically missed being abused in the rest of the household. My sister has also stated, ‘you have no idea what I endured to protect you guys’. Sigh.
None of us have any idea what the others suffered. That’s the point of war, no one ever wins. Everyone is left tending to their wounds and attempting to collect themselves into some semblence of working societally functioning individual. Or at least that seems to be the programming ive experienced. And how we look around and think, what the fuck man- if you knew what I had endured you would never look at me that way- say that to me- think that about me- you would be amazed I am standing in front of you and able to smile. So yes I am a leo and I can exxagerate but if anything- I think I have understated my past because ive spent so much time processing it and I don’t want to harp on it. Because according to the law of attraction that would be completely not helpful as a strategy. Sooo, where is the line I ask you universe between telling a story, coming to peaceful resolution about something as painful and interesting (PAINTING) as my childhood. Wouldn’t that be funny- I keep seeing all these art academy of san fran buses- they go by my work all the time.. and I think right? I wanted a sign and I even said how much of a fan I am of the universe talking to me through bus logos and writing. Ta daQ!
Go back to school. But I am resistant. Eh, figure that out later…. LATER MAN LATER. Wtf. Anyway, so my current super duper coffee life has had me pondering hey what is that about, that cant be an accident. And in my last job in new Orleans as a barrista I came to some very powerful realizations and forgiveness for my mother-
To backtrack- my mother passed away sept 2007 from initially what I thought was coughing (miscommunication with my sister- later april 2009 to find out it was drug overdose)and we as a way of inheritance all received manilla envelopes with unsent letters from my mother. My sister still hasn’t read hers. Ive burned mine.
I read them that night. But that’s a whole other story
I found out when I went up to mass for the not funeral that my mom had actually managed to get a real job- funnily enough inject memory of my mom making fun of the dunkin’ donuts commercials from the 80s growing up… time to make the donuts. Well, the universe has a wicked sense of humor. The steady job my mom did eventually get fired from but held down for a while, was dunkin donuts. When I had thought she had coughed to death I was so struck by the near tragic proportions of her song. To finally have semblence of sobriety after some dark and even street living body selling times- have a steady job- and then die coughing. But she didn’t- she died the most logical way ever. For her at least.
So the coffee shop- I went into work last summer blazed (beyond wits end with my life in general, tried something I usually prohibit- mixing work and smoking) and I was so overcome with guilt and fear and self rejection and then in that moment of a near panic attack I stopped and had the total realization and awareness that if that was how I felt; it was like having a small window into my mother’s reality. And I bet it was sad. So I went from saying I can be compassionate for my mother to truly forgiving her (on whatever levels ) and having compassion.
So do I need to keep working in coffee to have MORE compassion for her or can I move onto something more exciting, which ties into the initial statements of role models. My role models for success have been lackluster at best. My mother was an incredible student and then went on to have a series of marriages, have children and develop a serious health and drug problem- among other things. And my father is from a wealthy and successful family and he was the accidental late in life baby to emotional vacant parents and his true passion- music- he was discouraged and even put off by the practicalities of being a businessman… where in my humble opinion he has punished himself for siding with them pretty much my whole life by working in sales and all music playing related fields and its like sitting across the room with your beloved for 30 years and never doing more than looking at it. Never actually touching it, tasting it. What a shame. Especially if you came here on this earth plane to unite and create with your beloved. And your beloved does not have to be a person- for my dad it is music. Music and skiing. Let the man ski!
But while my dad excelled at overworking and giving himself few vacations and lots of debt- he never really has been successful enough to not have to ‘worry’. Worry about money, worry about his safety, worry about money. That first and third one I think is a big issue. So yeah, I also got my mother who treated me like a paycheck (child support, it pays to marry muiltiple times and have children) and stole birthday money- you know the usual. And property. The amount of times I heard as a small child and young adult. YOU ARE MINE. Really? I thought I kind of belonged to no one- or at least myself right? But my mother asserted I belonged to her because she had fought over me and won- an expensive court battle between my parents.
I truly thought that my parents didn’t have other things they could even say to each other besides’ ‘i’ll see you in court’. It was like most people say hello and goodbye. They would say I’ll see you in court after a brief shouting match when ever my dad came to pick me up or drop me off. Basically my parents loathed each other. Really interesting to come from people who loath each other and treat you like property goods. Part of me feels that the reason my mother never recovered from me moving away wasn’t because I never came back like Shannon did- but because it somehow meant my dad won- their long fucked up battle for me and custody. Hello! I was 16 and you told me I couldn’t go to school anymore. Fucking crazy.
Ugh. Crazy and pretty and brilliant. I know, totally frightening. Don’t worry, she only had four daughters. Who so far have borne three beautiful children. I do take pride in the fact that the offspring of our family- regardless of the family history (eeks) well, we look attractive. And isn’t that what mom taught us? If nothing else, look attractive. Looks are really what matter. Thanks mom.
Friday, December 4, 2009
My first San Fran Pay DAY PAYD PAYD PAYD
Today was payday.
Oh yeah, after a unexpected three month vacation-indeed a manifestation of a collection of my desires- I have not only begun working but today- received financial compensation to that we call- MONEY.
And the feeling of depositing cash into my bank account felt like breathing in fresh air- like for the first time really feeling the air fill my lungs to capacity- the richness of that breath. To remember how easy it really is- YEAH- even though it was scary and I was REALLY pissed off about the state of things- particularly financial/career- I am now in the flow. I actually enjoyed my job tonight. Realized I am getting paid to read, that’s pretty amazing. I am reading Tom Robbins for the first time and am in constant appreciation for him being able to translate universal truths and laws as I know them into a quirky and meandering journey into those truths- exquisite!!
And until my recent journey to San Francisco, I was quite quiet on the reading and writing circuit. My computer rarely clacked that clack- rarely opened a crack- in fact. And reading? I took on a strictly researching approach with minor exceptions like the last two books of Harry potter and jasper fforde. And suddenly that well had cracked open- and I find myself having a blog. I find myself longing to write- something I wasn’t sure if I would ever feel again. Now, having discovered the delicious secret of using Microsoft word instead of writing into the blog- I now am experiencing the fluidity of my writing and expression. Hmmm.
And so on this pay day I praise- the Universe@ I praise the God/ GODDESS/Air/Fire/Water/Earth/Spirit I am/=
Side note- I have been saying praise Methuselah for like 2 years ok? I am reading this tom Robbins novel and Methuselah is referred to- I thought I made it up. Oh universe, tricky clue- wonder what it means…
And so to be and truly digest the present NOW moment more fully, I am learning in San Francisco that one must go with the flow as they say. Meaning- meaning that I not analyse every single thing that is happening because it sets me in a delay where I am present- processing the events- thinking about the events and then bombarded with another event- OK- It was better explained by my dear friend Lauren (she lives in studio h, see, I told you H is incredible) but yeah this HUGE understanding of my self I came to with the assistance of Lauren- I analyse EVERYTHING. A LOT. Oh geez, boys- yeah that’s because I can thinking about thinking with a side of thinking on top of thoughts of thinking. Yeah.
This could require editing- and that’s the thing- to be my full integrated personality ( the embodiment of my potential) or the expression of my potential- what if New Orleans made me lazy? Like what if I just wanted to be blazed and not edit this and make this more readable and better attuned to the needs of my audience or does that completely serve as a way to stymied my flow because then I start THINKING about what I am writing and then THINKING about THINKING about (you get it). So I am a thinker- yeah and I would like to be more of a doer. In certain areas in particular- let’s say dudes. Bras, men, boys, guys, ummm I know there are lots more and see- lazy- feel bored with coming up with them so will stop- does that make me a bad writer?
Doing men is where I was prior to tangent- more doing men than thinking about men. But in truth, I feel so different than what I portray that I don’t even know how to reconcile the two. Right? I mean, it is outrageous that I am 29 and I am beautiful and lovely and loving and I have never really been in a relationship beyond 6 months and ever had sex with a man. I mean, that’s technically weird. In fact, they made a movie out of it- im pretty sure the theme (though I haven’t seen it so I GUESS my point moot) but it’s moral is that someone to a virgin by the age of 40 must be a social retard. Except, I am not a social retard. In fact, I am capable of having such delicious deep satisfying expansive expressive loving flowing allowing unconditional loving etc friendships frequently. In fact, because I haven’t had romantic stuff in my experience so far- I have really excelled in other areas because I had attention to put to those areas. Friendships because especially important to me because my family sucked and I never had a boyfriend(later girlfriend).
And I have really gotten to know myself and I KNOW how incredibly capable I am on my own- in fact, that was my huge Katrina lesson with Albuquerque- even if everyone deserts me and im totally alone- I have me and I am an awesome resourceful fantastic survivor to have. But its lonely being alone. And so I know I am good and succeeded being alone and in fact, it feels more scary (and thrilling) to actually BE with somebody. Actually have someone get to know me- I am not even sure what that means. I am not even sure what love means. I watched the cutest movie last night- over in H- called Paper Hearts- a mockumentary about a girl that doesn’t believe in love and her interviewing all sorts of people while gasp- she is pursued by a nice guy who she reluctantly falls for and is hilarious about… and I felt so much of myself in her.
I realized I am terrified of actually being really attractive or that that was a life long issue. In fact, also had that epiphany when I first arrived here. We were talking about developing cup sizes for bras and I said oh yeah I developed really early- which is true I was a B cup in 2nd grade and a D in 6th grade while most of my friends had AA or training bras, I didn’t need to wonder what my boobs would look like or wonder how much will show up- I was done. Ta da. And just recently having come to the understanding/awareness of my fear of men and sexual trauma stuff- I realized OF COURSE! I come from a line of very attractive women with chicken legs, big boobs and no waist and I am naturally petite. So in 6th grade when I had already created a cycle to keep me safe from not ACTUALLY having to face/encounter male and sexual advances- having early on made the agreement I am not safe with men, esp men who want to have sex with me- created a pattern where men rejected me.
Over and over- actually until after the storm and then this last spring. Not to mention that sailor in Greece. Ah, I do say though the romantic times I have had are so unique and interesting that I make up in quality for the quantity. But yeah so suddenly I have boobs and I do remember being thin- and I remember one day in classes some of the boys saying do you smell that popcorn and leaning back in their chairs and sort of inviting me to do the same and realizing that they were having me lean back so they could look at my boobs. I think I morphed the experience to be they wanted to gawk because my boobs were grotesque- not because they were teenage boys and I actually had what books they were likely sneaking had- and I noted that in my trip to Disney land in 7th grade- I wore shirts so big they barely show I have boobs and I look like the size of a house- even though my legs are skinny. I look HUGE. And its all because I wore oversized shirts and felt fat- so I appreared fat. God, life is so interesting. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my body NOW. I have made such dynamic progress. It is also part of the reason why I am looking forward to changes in the boy department. Isn’t time I made new decisions and choices and experienced new outcomes? Isn’t it time for me to be relaxed by the delicious and sacred warmth of two bodies coming together in appreciation? Isn’t it time for me to begin that discovery path of sexuality in REAL experiential form.
I mean, there is so much I remember from my past lives about sex. That has been by far the greatest juxtaposition of my realities- I so strongly FEEL that I have had sex and yet, in my conscious memory I have only had sex with a blonde lesbian named Jennifer and I guess if that sex counts then an African man who liked hamburgers (see, I told you they were interesting ones) and a greek sailor named Sotiris. But as far as actual cock in my vagina – nada, nadie, nuca, nada. OH YEAH- except that whole early childhood rape thing.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. What is up with my connections to stressed vaginas- mine carries a cellular memory of violation most unkind and unwelcome- and my mother’s a vendor to get her sweet candy in return- and yet I somehow have to make peace that that same portal was my entrance to this physical life experience. Can I perhaps in a super detached mode think how I like to use my bra to also carry stones etc is like my mother using her vagina to create life and also procure drugs at a discounted or exchange rate? It is one to ponder… I think at least.
And so speaking of stressed- I Understand how important it is to have sex and especially regularly and let me tell you when I was having sex I was good at it and wow- sex and I get along fine- due to the uninhibited nature of my own experience with sex with myself and the fact that when I do let someone in- I mean- seriously, you are touching me- I am turned on…its all over. I heart the point of no return. Anyway- that’s a bit racy content. Sorry folks- but you know I think I am pretty mellow for someone who hasn’t had sensual physical touch for over 3 years and before that pretty much my whole life. I mean were the entire context of my life to be known, I think that this is totally forgivable (see, that’s the problem- ha, I see my being raped and therefore not easy to have sex with and therefore high maintenance which I don’t like so I assume someone who potentially would sleep with me would be annoyed by) I mean, I think part of me believes that no one would want me because I just lived that out with Austin and Lauren (not h- opposite of what H is- - ugh. Yeah Melissa we had a super nice and amazing and magical time together but something is missing (because I had a panic attack) and oh! She was ready to receive him and could fuck him because she had had sex before. But I guess part of me wanted to dude/guy/man to be delighted and not in a creepy underage porn type of way but feel honored- or appreciate my journey- I never counted on being a virgin as a liability.
And it isn’t even just the sex either. It wasn’t until Austin and I were dating that I remember how little jenn and I kissed. We just did it. My repressed sexual everything unable to be contained in anyway- which is what I fear. I have kept such a tight lid on myself and my private parts I do fear that let loose I would be a whore amongst men and women. But is that bad? I bet I would be more relaxed. Maybe not. And it doesn’t even have to be that extreme- besides glorious sexual fulfillment there is also something though more quietly I deeply yearn for- that sense of loving companionship- lovers. I haven’t really played that game much yet and I think I would be so good at it. And it seems like such a fun game to play. Like, oh my goodness what if there was a boy that I thought was dreamy that thought I was dreamy and had never dated any of my friends and vice versa and wanted to practice kissing with me and was comfortable, compassionate and tender about being slow and my limitations and needs (which I am still coming to understand) and to have fun together and to play, often and to make love in all kinds of ways. Fuck- I have so much to learn! I have so much to do!!! And then I have to be mellow about it; the other night I was like fine. Give up on it completely. Totally and utterly.
Because I cant be whatever I think the person I am interested in would want me to be- I think I have exhausted that route and feel like I am finally laying down in the pool of water and saying whatever! Maybe I will never have sex. It seems like a damn shame because I know that my body was made for it- I was the best sex of my ex girlfriends life. And she was a ho. I am a natural and more than that- I feel my connection with spiritual sexuality and working with the chi creating by conscious coming together. I know, that sounds intense but wait! Gets more hilarious when you consider the Olympic trials times to get to kiss me. Uh.
So a man to date me in spite of myself- hmm. Well, as my spiritual teachers say- if you have the power to desire it, this environment has the ability to yield it to you. Amen. That’s all for me folks. Goodnight, amen.
jkalfdjlsakjf
Oh yeah, after a unexpected three month vacation-indeed a manifestation of a collection of my desires- I have not only begun working but today- received financial compensation to that we call- MONEY.
And the feeling of depositing cash into my bank account felt like breathing in fresh air- like for the first time really feeling the air fill my lungs to capacity- the richness of that breath. To remember how easy it really is- YEAH- even though it was scary and I was REALLY pissed off about the state of things- particularly financial/career- I am now in the flow. I actually enjoyed my job tonight. Realized I am getting paid to read, that’s pretty amazing. I am reading Tom Robbins for the first time and am in constant appreciation for him being able to translate universal truths and laws as I know them into a quirky and meandering journey into those truths- exquisite!!
And until my recent journey to San Francisco, I was quite quiet on the reading and writing circuit. My computer rarely clacked that clack- rarely opened a crack- in fact. And reading? I took on a strictly researching approach with minor exceptions like the last two books of Harry potter and jasper fforde. And suddenly that well had cracked open- and I find myself having a blog. I find myself longing to write- something I wasn’t sure if I would ever feel again. Now, having discovered the delicious secret of using Microsoft word instead of writing into the blog- I now am experiencing the fluidity of my writing and expression. Hmmm.
And so on this pay day I praise- the Universe@ I praise the God/ GODDESS/Air/Fire/Water/Earth/Spirit I am/=
Side note- I have been saying praise Methuselah for like 2 years ok? I am reading this tom Robbins novel and Methuselah is referred to- I thought I made it up. Oh universe, tricky clue- wonder what it means…
And so to be and truly digest the present NOW moment more fully, I am learning in San Francisco that one must go with the flow as they say. Meaning- meaning that I not analyse every single thing that is happening because it sets me in a delay where I am present- processing the events- thinking about the events and then bombarded with another event- OK- It was better explained by my dear friend Lauren (she lives in studio h, see, I told you H is incredible) but yeah this HUGE understanding of my self I came to with the assistance of Lauren- I analyse EVERYTHING. A LOT. Oh geez, boys- yeah that’s because I can thinking about thinking with a side of thinking on top of thoughts of thinking. Yeah.
This could require editing- and that’s the thing- to be my full integrated personality ( the embodiment of my potential) or the expression of my potential- what if New Orleans made me lazy? Like what if I just wanted to be blazed and not edit this and make this more readable and better attuned to the needs of my audience or does that completely serve as a way to stymied my flow because then I start THINKING about what I am writing and then THINKING about THINKING about (you get it). So I am a thinker- yeah and I would like to be more of a doer. In certain areas in particular- let’s say dudes. Bras, men, boys, guys, ummm I know there are lots more and see- lazy- feel bored with coming up with them so will stop- does that make me a bad writer?
Doing men is where I was prior to tangent- more doing men than thinking about men. But in truth, I feel so different than what I portray that I don’t even know how to reconcile the two. Right? I mean, it is outrageous that I am 29 and I am beautiful and lovely and loving and I have never really been in a relationship beyond 6 months and ever had sex with a man. I mean, that’s technically weird. In fact, they made a movie out of it- im pretty sure the theme (though I haven’t seen it so I GUESS my point moot) but it’s moral is that someone to a virgin by the age of 40 must be a social retard. Except, I am not a social retard. In fact, I am capable of having such delicious deep satisfying expansive expressive loving flowing allowing unconditional loving etc friendships frequently. In fact, because I haven’t had romantic stuff in my experience so far- I have really excelled in other areas because I had attention to put to those areas. Friendships because especially important to me because my family sucked and I never had a boyfriend(later girlfriend).
And I have really gotten to know myself and I KNOW how incredibly capable I am on my own- in fact, that was my huge Katrina lesson with Albuquerque- even if everyone deserts me and im totally alone- I have me and I am an awesome resourceful fantastic survivor to have. But its lonely being alone. And so I know I am good and succeeded being alone and in fact, it feels more scary (and thrilling) to actually BE with somebody. Actually have someone get to know me- I am not even sure what that means. I am not even sure what love means. I watched the cutest movie last night- over in H- called Paper Hearts- a mockumentary about a girl that doesn’t believe in love and her interviewing all sorts of people while gasp- she is pursued by a nice guy who she reluctantly falls for and is hilarious about… and I felt so much of myself in her.
I realized I am terrified of actually being really attractive or that that was a life long issue. In fact, also had that epiphany when I first arrived here. We were talking about developing cup sizes for bras and I said oh yeah I developed really early- which is true I was a B cup in 2nd grade and a D in 6th grade while most of my friends had AA or training bras, I didn’t need to wonder what my boobs would look like or wonder how much will show up- I was done. Ta da. And just recently having come to the understanding/awareness of my fear of men and sexual trauma stuff- I realized OF COURSE! I come from a line of very attractive women with chicken legs, big boobs and no waist and I am naturally petite. So in 6th grade when I had already created a cycle to keep me safe from not ACTUALLY having to face/encounter male and sexual advances- having early on made the agreement I am not safe with men, esp men who want to have sex with me- created a pattern where men rejected me.
Over and over- actually until after the storm and then this last spring. Not to mention that sailor in Greece. Ah, I do say though the romantic times I have had are so unique and interesting that I make up in quality for the quantity. But yeah so suddenly I have boobs and I do remember being thin- and I remember one day in classes some of the boys saying do you smell that popcorn and leaning back in their chairs and sort of inviting me to do the same and realizing that they were having me lean back so they could look at my boobs. I think I morphed the experience to be they wanted to gawk because my boobs were grotesque- not because they were teenage boys and I actually had what books they were likely sneaking had- and I noted that in my trip to Disney land in 7th grade- I wore shirts so big they barely show I have boobs and I look like the size of a house- even though my legs are skinny. I look HUGE. And its all because I wore oversized shirts and felt fat- so I appreared fat. God, life is so interesting. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my body NOW. I have made such dynamic progress. It is also part of the reason why I am looking forward to changes in the boy department. Isn’t time I made new decisions and choices and experienced new outcomes? Isn’t it time for me to be relaxed by the delicious and sacred warmth of two bodies coming together in appreciation? Isn’t it time for me to begin that discovery path of sexuality in REAL experiential form.
I mean, there is so much I remember from my past lives about sex. That has been by far the greatest juxtaposition of my realities- I so strongly FEEL that I have had sex and yet, in my conscious memory I have only had sex with a blonde lesbian named Jennifer and I guess if that sex counts then an African man who liked hamburgers (see, I told you they were interesting ones) and a greek sailor named Sotiris. But as far as actual cock in my vagina – nada, nadie, nuca, nada. OH YEAH- except that whole early childhood rape thing.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. What is up with my connections to stressed vaginas- mine carries a cellular memory of violation most unkind and unwelcome- and my mother’s a vendor to get her sweet candy in return- and yet I somehow have to make peace that that same portal was my entrance to this physical life experience. Can I perhaps in a super detached mode think how I like to use my bra to also carry stones etc is like my mother using her vagina to create life and also procure drugs at a discounted or exchange rate? It is one to ponder… I think at least.
And so speaking of stressed- I Understand how important it is to have sex and especially regularly and let me tell you when I was having sex I was good at it and wow- sex and I get along fine- due to the uninhibited nature of my own experience with sex with myself and the fact that when I do let someone in- I mean- seriously, you are touching me- I am turned on…its all over. I heart the point of no return. Anyway- that’s a bit racy content. Sorry folks- but you know I think I am pretty mellow for someone who hasn’t had sensual physical touch for over 3 years and before that pretty much my whole life. I mean were the entire context of my life to be known, I think that this is totally forgivable (see, that’s the problem- ha, I see my being raped and therefore not easy to have sex with and therefore high maintenance which I don’t like so I assume someone who potentially would sleep with me would be annoyed by) I mean, I think part of me believes that no one would want me because I just lived that out with Austin and Lauren (not h- opposite of what H is- - ugh. Yeah Melissa we had a super nice and amazing and magical time together but something is missing (because I had a panic attack) and oh! She was ready to receive him and could fuck him because she had had sex before. But I guess part of me wanted to dude/guy/man to be delighted and not in a creepy underage porn type of way but feel honored- or appreciate my journey- I never counted on being a virgin as a liability.
And it isn’t even just the sex either. It wasn’t until Austin and I were dating that I remember how little jenn and I kissed. We just did it. My repressed sexual everything unable to be contained in anyway- which is what I fear. I have kept such a tight lid on myself and my private parts I do fear that let loose I would be a whore amongst men and women. But is that bad? I bet I would be more relaxed. Maybe not. And it doesn’t even have to be that extreme- besides glorious sexual fulfillment there is also something though more quietly I deeply yearn for- that sense of loving companionship- lovers. I haven’t really played that game much yet and I think I would be so good at it. And it seems like such a fun game to play. Like, oh my goodness what if there was a boy that I thought was dreamy that thought I was dreamy and had never dated any of my friends and vice versa and wanted to practice kissing with me and was comfortable, compassionate and tender about being slow and my limitations and needs (which I am still coming to understand) and to have fun together and to play, often and to make love in all kinds of ways. Fuck- I have so much to learn! I have so much to do!!! And then I have to be mellow about it; the other night I was like fine. Give up on it completely. Totally and utterly.
Because I cant be whatever I think the person I am interested in would want me to be- I think I have exhausted that route and feel like I am finally laying down in the pool of water and saying whatever! Maybe I will never have sex. It seems like a damn shame because I know that my body was made for it- I was the best sex of my ex girlfriends life. And she was a ho. I am a natural and more than that- I feel my connection with spiritual sexuality and working with the chi creating by conscious coming together. I know, that sounds intense but wait! Gets more hilarious when you consider the Olympic trials times to get to kiss me. Uh.
So a man to date me in spite of myself- hmm. Well, as my spiritual teachers say- if you have the power to desire it, this environment has the ability to yield it to you. Amen. That’s all for me folks. Goodnight, amen.
jkalfdjlsakjf
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Worth and Appreciation
Ok. So note to self, I write more professionally and more organized in a word document than the blog thing. Turns into a journal entry. Shifting focus now towards the expression! Of my journey of joy. My dear friend Roger has called it the Camino for me.
For anyone tuning into my life that does not have this information, after the storm (Katrina) I adventured/ventured to complete the camino de Santiago de compostela, la via de plata. Silver route which starts in Sevilla. I did not complete the Camino, as the real lesson for me was not to finish but instead change mid stream and face the unknown. Big lesson for me at the time. It took nearly freezing outside to realize that being stubborn and unable to do something OTHER than the pre planned route already agreed upon was not worth- ha worth- dying for. I had to deal with money issues, “but I planned out my money to do the camino, oh my god what could happen if I didn’t do the camino DUN DUN DUN” but I faced it all. FACED the great unknown and Madrid ended up being this amazing cosmic vacation from reality and so proves (shows/suggests) that facing the unknown can yield some awesome results.
And so fast forward from the uncompleted Camino- to my current camino and lessons. This move and in truth it began before the move. It began last spring with some deep grief and experiencing parts of myself I never knew existed and I had happily divorced early on. This personal shift so deep and powerful that I am still working through. Anyway, this momentum that my life really started to gather and my continued frustration with New Orleans has created (through the contrast which can be so hard to live through sometimes) the most glorious incredible life giving renewing healing inspiring delightful magical wholesome fun hilarious playful engaging surprising empowering fantastic experience that has been San Francisco as I know it to be as it and I are becoming together.
I said, let’s discover each other San Francisco. I noticed that I am not hungry for the cultural niceities that show/prove I am really a resident here- but I feel so satisfied by the knowing that this is so awesome and there is so much more to discover. It makes me feel so much more relaxed about what is happening now and relaxed that there is so much more. It sort of frees me from the need for this moment to be awesome and YET that makes this moment pretty awesome. Yes Abraham it really does just get better and better.
But in alignment with my theory on topography of locals affecting its residents (New Orleans=swamp=all your deep dark issues and you are just sitting in them. As my dear friend Annick says it, “sitting in your own sh*t” Yep, that sounds and feels about right.
And so San Francisco has so many delicious amazing topography things to choose from. I certainly have experienced the highs and lows of those glorious hills, in both literal and metaphoric ways. So you may be sitting atop some glorious hill and looking out over the most glorious vista and even catching a glimpse the ocean. It is AWESOME. And then the ocean, but don’t get me started on the ocean- that would have to be a lifetime worth- ha worth- of blog entries.
As I was affirming though, my lows are higher than ever and getting easier and easier. I actually had a guy hire me and say, “see, that was easy right?” and that was such a good message from San Francisco- it only asks that you chill out. I am like, wow my life is totally amazing. I have managed to manifest funds for three months of work free experience WITH a month of travel and huge life experience, an effortless move from a city I lived in for five years and land in an incredible warehouse utopia. YES, there is a god. And I have done enough PYSCH-K balances that clearly I believe I deserve some good. But I have also challenged my self love and worth. Oh worth.
I now praise and declare with joy, I have three jobs and they seamlessly work together so that I don’t even work so hard. I truly do work I enjoy doing, I am loved and love those I work with and for and it’s all really ok. I did some wicked EFT on myself yesterday too. So yeah, I manifested 3 jobs in 2 days. Thanks to friends who held me in that radiance of well being. Amber, Annick, Aimee, oh Roger, Amanda, Amanda, the compound, Kate, and more… Thank you for being my friend and reminding me of my awesomeness when I forget. I really appreciate it.
So yes, I now experience a sense of appreciation for my actual work experience manifested so effortlessly (after lots of miracles for a month of San Francisco immersion). Oh yeah, did I tell you guys I signed up for the “Have a fantastic immersion in San Francisco” clause. I know, I am so glad. San Francisco feels like I graduated from the darkness of New Orleans and that truly my lesson for here is to allow. I will do my best to recount all the blessings/ gifts/ miracles that I have experienced while here for a little over a month.
Magical warehouse apartment filled with plants, huge tea selection that surpasses my wildest expectations, more kitchen supplies and gadgets, tools, space, bikes, dry goods, storage, commercial stove/oven!! All baking things I could have EVER asked for- woah. ICE CREAM ALL THE TIME in new and delicious flavors, food that is available for general consumption (so I can eat healthy things and not have to tear myself up over having to be the one to create it- OHHH THE CONTRAST from living by myself- I am so grateful to be where I am now, thank you thank you thank you thank you!)
Information, fun, laughter, sharing, playing, conversation!!!!!!!!!!! Oh conversation!!!
Seriously, and then the connections to others. I have already met and connected with so many people and as I was thinking about my sublet eventually being up (having had it graciously extended, thank you again) and leaving studio G and even a little bit more sad or at least a different kind of sad Studio H. OH H- I am in love with you! I have never known love like this before!
For anyone tuning into my life that does not have this information, after the storm (Katrina) I adventured/ventured to complete the camino de Santiago de compostela, la via de plata. Silver route which starts in Sevilla. I did not complete the Camino, as the real lesson for me was not to finish but instead change mid stream and face the unknown. Big lesson for me at the time. It took nearly freezing outside to realize that being stubborn and unable to do something OTHER than the pre planned route already agreed upon was not worth- ha worth- dying for. I had to deal with money issues, “but I planned out my money to do the camino, oh my god what could happen if I didn’t do the camino DUN DUN DUN” but I faced it all. FACED the great unknown and Madrid ended up being this amazing cosmic vacation from reality and so proves (shows/suggests) that facing the unknown can yield some awesome results.
And so fast forward from the uncompleted Camino- to my current camino and lessons. This move and in truth it began before the move. It began last spring with some deep grief and experiencing parts of myself I never knew existed and I had happily divorced early on. This personal shift so deep and powerful that I am still working through. Anyway, this momentum that my life really started to gather and my continued frustration with New Orleans has created (through the contrast which can be so hard to live through sometimes) the most glorious incredible life giving renewing healing inspiring delightful magical wholesome fun hilarious playful engaging surprising empowering fantastic experience that has been San Francisco as I know it to be as it and I are becoming together.
I said, let’s discover each other San Francisco. I noticed that I am not hungry for the cultural niceities that show/prove I am really a resident here- but I feel so satisfied by the knowing that this is so awesome and there is so much more to discover. It makes me feel so much more relaxed about what is happening now and relaxed that there is so much more. It sort of frees me from the need for this moment to be awesome and YET that makes this moment pretty awesome. Yes Abraham it really does just get better and better.
But in alignment with my theory on topography of locals affecting its residents (New Orleans=swamp=all your deep dark issues and you are just sitting in them. As my dear friend Annick says it, “sitting in your own sh*t” Yep, that sounds and feels about right.
And so San Francisco has so many delicious amazing topography things to choose from. I certainly have experienced the highs and lows of those glorious hills, in both literal and metaphoric ways. So you may be sitting atop some glorious hill and looking out over the most glorious vista and even catching a glimpse the ocean. It is AWESOME. And then the ocean, but don’t get me started on the ocean- that would have to be a lifetime worth- ha worth- of blog entries.
As I was affirming though, my lows are higher than ever and getting easier and easier. I actually had a guy hire me and say, “see, that was easy right?” and that was such a good message from San Francisco- it only asks that you chill out. I am like, wow my life is totally amazing. I have managed to manifest funds for three months of work free experience WITH a month of travel and huge life experience, an effortless move from a city I lived in for five years and land in an incredible warehouse utopia. YES, there is a god. And I have done enough PYSCH-K balances that clearly I believe I deserve some good. But I have also challenged my self love and worth. Oh worth.
I now praise and declare with joy, I have three jobs and they seamlessly work together so that I don’t even work so hard. I truly do work I enjoy doing, I am loved and love those I work with and for and it’s all really ok. I did some wicked EFT on myself yesterday too. So yeah, I manifested 3 jobs in 2 days. Thanks to friends who held me in that radiance of well being. Amber, Annick, Aimee, oh Roger, Amanda, Amanda, the compound, Kate, and more… Thank you for being my friend and reminding me of my awesomeness when I forget. I really appreciate it.
So yes, I now experience a sense of appreciation for my actual work experience manifested so effortlessly (after lots of miracles for a month of San Francisco immersion). Oh yeah, did I tell you guys I signed up for the “Have a fantastic immersion in San Francisco” clause. I know, I am so glad. San Francisco feels like I graduated from the darkness of New Orleans and that truly my lesson for here is to allow. I will do my best to recount all the blessings/ gifts/ miracles that I have experienced while here for a little over a month.
Magical warehouse apartment filled with plants, huge tea selection that surpasses my wildest expectations, more kitchen supplies and gadgets, tools, space, bikes, dry goods, storage, commercial stove/oven!! All baking things I could have EVER asked for- woah. ICE CREAM ALL THE TIME in new and delicious flavors, food that is available for general consumption (so I can eat healthy things and not have to tear myself up over having to be the one to create it- OHHH THE CONTRAST from living by myself- I am so grateful to be where I am now, thank you thank you thank you thank you!)
Information, fun, laughter, sharing, playing, conversation!!!!!!!!!!! Oh conversation!!!
Seriously, and then the connections to others. I have already met and connected with so many people and as I was thinking about my sublet eventually being up (having had it graciously extended, thank you again) and leaving studio G and even a little bit more sad or at least a different kind of sad Studio H. OH H- I am in love with you! I have never known love like this before!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
please help me angels guides- for REAL.
So I have recently come to understand my sense of worth and how that was tied up in employment and financial sense of security. I knew coming into this adventure that I would testing my beliefs regarding money and was delibrately jumping out of the not satisfying but secure world I had created in New Orleans. I thought as a teacher of this information, that it made sense for me to put these into effect. I believe I attempted to articulate this in my last posting- however, I acknowledge that perhaps it was not the most clear articulation.
So I came to San Francisco at the urging of my guides. In fact, I think I have been a pretty good sport following the bread crumb trail of employment and life experiences that has been laid before me. I found work consistently in New Orleans and have spent a good amount of time pondering what my current lesson is meant to be. Part of me recoils at the idea that my guides and higher self are plotting my 'lessons' from a detached place where they calmly (actually sans emotion) align me with things I need for growth. In fact, this in the past has caused me a great deal of grief due to disagreement with my guides and the lessons I am experiencing.
I have made peace with all the trauma and drama that has been part and parcel in my life. Which ties in incredibly well to my sense of worth and employment which is tied to 'income' and sense of societal wellbeing. I had no idea how much I had bought in to the idea that good citizens have jobs and pay their bills on time etc. And I have done so my entire life- in fact, as a swing back from my mother's non stop bill collecting/avoiding life long quest I usually paid my bills early and in higher quantities than requested. I have slowly swung back to center to realizing it is ok to pay the minumum amount requested, and would even go so far to say that my relationship with money is a decent to fair one. I have successfully paid off huge portions of my student loans, I have used credit cards wisely (mostly for investments for my business and to ease financial stress in lighter times and professional development). And yet, here I stand/sit writing this in a totally brave new world.
I find myself in a new city meeting people and engaging with them and when someone asks, "how was your day?" I find myself internally scrammbling to come up with some sort of accountability. Then part of my recounts all the skills I have, or the education that I bought so much into...more things I have paid to attach to my name. In fact, the last training I partook of the amazing Louise Hay workshop leader training- my major epiphany was that perhaps after all this I don't need more training. I love to learn and if the universe provides with the ample funds- I will indeed go on to learn/train forever. So how was my day, I find myself making a point to make my bed, tidy the room I am subletting, do dishes as a way of generating a feeling of accomplishment.
I can remember those mornings when I was landscaping and I had to get up at 6am and I was hating it and here I lay in the bed in the morning and I wish for a reason to propell me from the covers. Sometimes I am so tempted by the lure of deep depression- just to finally say fine life- you won. I'm tired. I'm not sure why you brought me here to San Francisco to curl up and cry but fine-and then a school teacher voice in my head says 'ok, now positive thoughts create a positive life- so lets not succumb to surrender of depression. LETS GET HAPPY'. maybe i am not the teacher i thought i was. perhaps i do not understand the law of attraction as i previously thought. perhaps perhaps
and i have trained myself to focus on the positive. so when someone asks me how my day is- i will do my best to kid or joke or recount the blessings as i see them and appreciate them. and for right now were you to see me and ask how i am- i would say, well i made my bed, did the dishes, applied for a few more jobs and cried all morning. oh, i wrote some in my blog too. for all beings of light, all guides, all angels, all beings that wish to help elevate the planet- i ask to lovingingly receive your support and guidance at this time. I feel (right now) like giving up and like I got it wrong. please help me. amen.
So I came to San Francisco at the urging of my guides. In fact, I think I have been a pretty good sport following the bread crumb trail of employment and life experiences that has been laid before me. I found work consistently in New Orleans and have spent a good amount of time pondering what my current lesson is meant to be. Part of me recoils at the idea that my guides and higher self are plotting my 'lessons' from a detached place where they calmly (actually sans emotion) align me with things I need for growth. In fact, this in the past has caused me a great deal of grief due to disagreement with my guides and the lessons I am experiencing.
I have made peace with all the trauma and drama that has been part and parcel in my life. Which ties in incredibly well to my sense of worth and employment which is tied to 'income' and sense of societal wellbeing. I had no idea how much I had bought in to the idea that good citizens have jobs and pay their bills on time etc. And I have done so my entire life- in fact, as a swing back from my mother's non stop bill collecting/avoiding life long quest I usually paid my bills early and in higher quantities than requested. I have slowly swung back to center to realizing it is ok to pay the minumum amount requested, and would even go so far to say that my relationship with money is a decent to fair one. I have successfully paid off huge portions of my student loans, I have used credit cards wisely (mostly for investments for my business and to ease financial stress in lighter times and professional development). And yet, here I stand/sit writing this in a totally brave new world.
I find myself in a new city meeting people and engaging with them and when someone asks, "how was your day?" I find myself internally scrammbling to come up with some sort of accountability. Then part of my recounts all the skills I have, or the education that I bought so much into...more things I have paid to attach to my name. In fact, the last training I partook of the amazing Louise Hay workshop leader training- my major epiphany was that perhaps after all this I don't need more training. I love to learn and if the universe provides with the ample funds- I will indeed go on to learn/train forever. So how was my day, I find myself making a point to make my bed, tidy the room I am subletting, do dishes as a way of generating a feeling of accomplishment.
I can remember those mornings when I was landscaping and I had to get up at 6am and I was hating it and here I lay in the bed in the morning and I wish for a reason to propell me from the covers. Sometimes I am so tempted by the lure of deep depression- just to finally say fine life- you won. I'm tired. I'm not sure why you brought me here to San Francisco to curl up and cry but fine-and then a school teacher voice in my head says 'ok, now positive thoughts create a positive life- so lets not succumb to surrender of depression. LETS GET HAPPY'. maybe i am not the teacher i thought i was. perhaps i do not understand the law of attraction as i previously thought. perhaps perhaps
and i have trained myself to focus on the positive. so when someone asks me how my day is- i will do my best to kid or joke or recount the blessings as i see them and appreciate them. and for right now were you to see me and ask how i am- i would say, well i made my bed, did the dishes, applied for a few more jobs and cried all morning. oh, i wrote some in my blog too. for all beings of light, all guides, all angels, all beings that wish to help elevate the planet- i ask to lovingingly receive your support and guidance at this time. I feel (right now) like giving up and like I got it wrong. please help me. amen.
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